IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that computer games are bad for children, while others believe that they are beneficial. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Some people believe that computer
games
Use synonyms
 are harmful
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
child’s
Fix the agreement mistake
children’s
show examples
 growth,
while
Linking Words
 others contend that
this
Linking Words
 has certain advantages.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss
Linking Words
although
Correct word choice
that although
show examples
 video
games
Use synonyms
 can cause deterioration
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 eyesight, playing
such
Linking Words
gaming
Fix the agreement mistake
games
show examples
 can have strong benefits for educational
purpose
Fix the agreement mistake
purposes
show examples
. Computer
games
Use synonyms
, which
often
Verb problem
are often
show examples
 seen as a popular pastime among
new
Correct article usage
the new
show examples
 generation, can have a huge deterioration on eyesight.
This
Linking Words
 is because sitting with a laptop
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
 long screening hours can generate a substantial amount of radiation, and
this
Linking Words
 leads to
short-sighted
Replace the word
short-sightedness
show examples
 for teenagers. Adolescents may develop an eye disorder when facing computers without resting.
For example
Linking Words
, a recent study from
Correct article usage
the vision
show examples
vision centre
Fix capitalization
Vision Centre
show examples
 states that adolescents who use their eyes longer than 6 hours a day are more likely to experience vision-related disease like retinitis.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the
introducing
Replace the word
introduction
show examples
 of video
games
Use synonyms
 can be utilised
as
Change preposition
for
show examples
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
educational
purpose
Fix the agreement mistake
purposes
show examples
. Specifically, when youth
have encountered
Wrong verb form
encounter
show examples
this
Linking Words
 type of pastime at their early age,
leading
Wrong verb form
it leads
show examples
 them to acquire more knowledge by comparing with their peers. If parents provide their offspring the right support and guidance, alongside
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
patience and teaching methods, their children will develop strong critical skills and
strategic
Correct article usage
a strategic
show examples
 mindset.
For instance
Linking Words
, research from Cambridge University shows that youngsters who received special care provided by family members on video-based gaming can effectively mitigate the pressure from eyestrain,
while
Linking Words
 improving their cognitive skills to enable them to learn course materials efficiently. Given the arguments above,
although
Linking Words
 excessive use of
games
Use synonyms
 can result in severe damage
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
eyes
Correct article usage
the eyes
show examples
, I believe that teenagers need to use
laptop
Correct article usage
a laptop
show examples
 under
health
Replace the word
healthy
show examples
condition
Fix the agreement mistake
conditions
show examples
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 parents should
also
Linking Words
 restrict
amount
Correct article usage
the amount
show examples
 of time children spend on traditional gaming in order to achieve the maximum outcomes.

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structure
Plan your essay. Use four parts: intro, two body para, conclusion. Make your position clear in the intro or conclusion.
coherence
Each para has one main idea. Start with a clear topic sentence.
coherence
Use linking words to connect ideas (for example, also, but, however).
grammar
Use simple, short sentences. Check grammar and spelling.
content
Use easy examples that fit the idea. Explain how the example shows the point.
task response
The essay tries to cover both sides and give an own view.
evidence
Some evidence is used from studies.
structure
There is an attempt to break the text into paragraphs.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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