IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Parents should encourage their children to spend less time studying and more time doing physical activities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

there
Fix capitalization
There
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 is an ongoing debate whether parents encouraging their
children
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 to be more
engageed
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engaged
 with physical
activities
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 rather than
education
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 leads to negative or positive outcomes.
Linking Words
while
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While
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 advising
children
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 to be more physically active is
undeniabilly
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undeniably
 essential and beneficial,
i
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I
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 believe underestimating academic development can do more harm than good. On the one hand, physical health is
unquestionablly
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unquestionably
 important than ever,considering factors
such
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 as
sedentive
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sedentary
 lifestyles and excessive chemical involvement in foods.
Therefore
Linking Words
making
Punctuation problem
, making
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 the idea of encouraging
children
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 to be more active in physical
activities
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 solid and logical
.
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,
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without the optimism and support of parents
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children
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, children
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 may develop a tendency to be more socially isolated and even depressed, which
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 becoming common among young people and causing concerns.
Additionally
Linking Words
,participating in physical
activites
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activities
 not only offers health benefits,but
improvement
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also improvement
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 of soft skills which are highly valued in
modern
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the modern
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labor
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labour
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 market.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, making
children
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 think that
education
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 is less important compared to
phsical
Correct your spelling
physical
activities
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 can result in failure and challenges for both young people and society. These days
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children
Punctuation problem
, children
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 already tend to underestimate the power and value of
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education
Punctuation problem
education,
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 let alone decreased
intrest
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interest
 in studying,which may cause
children
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 to struggle to fully understand their capabilities.
Additionally
Linking Words
, lacking
education
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 can drop competitiveness in
job
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the job
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 market
especially
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, especially
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 in an era with
fast changing
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fast-changing
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requariments
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requirements
 and rules.
Linking Words
Moreover
Punctuation problem
Moreover,
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 without proper
education
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 and
awarness
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awareness
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children
Punctuation problem
, children
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 can be vulnerable to threats
such
Linking Words
 as cyberbullying, scamming or bad habits
which
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, which
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is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 usually driven by peer
pressuring
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pressure
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. In conclusion,even though encouragement of physical
activities
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 can reflect positive results in
children
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, the drawbacks of it are greater
including
Punctuation problem
, including
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 decreased value in career and
unawarness
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unawareness
 of dangers of cyber crimes and
harming
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harmful
show examples
 habits.

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task management
Make your view clear from the start. State your position in the introduction and keep it in the body.
coherence
Use one idea per paragraph and start each with a clear topic sentence.
coherence
Link ideas with simple connect words (and, but, also, because, however) to show how points go together.
content
Give more real examples or facts to back up your claims, even simple examples.
language
Check grammar and spelling, and use short, simple sentences to avoid mistakes.
style
Avoid repeating words and mix up sentence structure to improve flow.
strength
The essay has an attempt to discuss both sides of the issue.
strength
Introduction and conclusion are present.
strength
Some links between ideas are used, showing an effort to connect points.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Physical activity
  • Development
  • Concentration
  • Obesity
  • Burnout
  • Sedentary lifestyle
  • Healthy lifestyle
  • Intellectual development
  • Structured activities
  • Teamwork
  • Leadership
  • Sedentary behavior
  • Tech addiction
  • Role models
  • Family bonds
What to do next:
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