Most developed countries spend a large proportion of their health budgets on expensive medical technology and procedures. This money should be spent instead on health on education to keep people well. To what to extend do you agreed or disagree with this opinion.

In many developed
countries
Punctuation problem
countries,
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a big share of their health budgets
spend
Wrong verb form
is spent
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on costly medical devices and procedures. People deem that
education
Use synonyms
should be funded rather than the field of health. In
this
Linking Words
essay
Add a comma
essay,
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I will discuss both perspectives and present a reasoned opinion on the matter. From one point of view,
prioritizing
Change the spelling
prioritising
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healthcare
Use synonyms
spending can be justified for several reasons.
Firstly
Linking Words
, investment in modern medical equipment allows an early
diagnose
Replace the word
diagnosis
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and treatment,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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reduces long-term costly treatment and increases life expectancy.
For example
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,
In
Fix capitalization
in
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Korea, public
healthcare
Use synonyms
facilities are fully equipped with state-of-the-art technology, and hold
#
Correct article usage
the #
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1 place in treating people with low sugar and
improved
Wrong verb form
improving their
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quality of life
among
Change preposition
apply
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them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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.
Moreover
Linking Words
, government support for
specialized
Change the spelling
specialised
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treatments
endures
Use the right word
ensures
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that children and vulnerable groups are not excluded from life-saving care
due to
Linking Words
financial constraints.
As a result
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, strong
healthcare
Use synonyms
systems strengthen social stability and productivity.
In contrast
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, others assume that investing in
education
Use synonyms
produces more sustainable national progress.
Education
Use synonyms
equips
future
Correct article usage
the future
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generation with the knowledge and skills required to innovate and raise the economy.
For instance
Linking Words
, a long-term commitment to accessible and high-quality
education
Use synonyms
in South Korea has resulted in one of the world’s most competitive economies.
Additionally
Linking Words
, an educated population
able
Verb problem
is able
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to contribute not only
the
Change preposition
to the
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economy but
also
Linking Words
other
Change preposition
to other
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fields
such
Linking Words
as
healthcare
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
education
Use synonyms
funding can be seen
a
Change preposition
as a
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strategic investment in a county’s human capital.
To conclude
Linking Words
,
although
Linking Words
both sectors are essential, I personally believe that
prioritizing
Change the spelling
prioritising
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education
Use synonyms
through technological innovation has
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
positive consequences in both
Punctuation problem
apply
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healthcare
Use synonyms
and
economy
Correct article usage
the economy
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.

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Task response
Your answer shows both sides and your view, but it would be clearer to state your main points at the start and then explain them.
Coherence and cohesion
Use clear topic sentences in each paragraph and use link words so the idea flow is easy to follow.
Grammar
Some grammar is not right. Watch phrases like 'positive consequences' and 'county'.
Task response
Try to give more real examples or numbers to back up ideas, while keeping simple language.
Structure
Keep each paragraph to one main idea and connect ideas with small links.
structure
Good plan in the intro with two sides and a final view.
content
The essay shows a balanced view.
cohesion
There are clear links between sentences.
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