IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

urban areas nowadays are witnessing obesity among children. What are the causes and solution of this problem acoording to you? Ang suggest some solutions.

Recently, studies have found that most young people living in towns are gaining a lot of weight.
This
Linking Words
 is caused by eating unhealthy foods and
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of exercise. The essay below seeks to discuss at length the challenges and recommendations to
this
Linking Words
problem
Use synonyms
. First and foremost, obesity has been a
problem
Use synonyms
 for
sometime
Use the right word
some time
show examples
 now
world wide
Use the right word
worldwide
show examples
. One of the crucial reasons is that some parents come home tired from work
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 so, they opt to buy fast foods
such
Linking Words
 as
MacDonalds
Use the right word
McDonald's
show examples
 and KFC online,
instead
Linking Words
 of cooking at home. Health practitioners discourage people from consuming
take-aways everytime
Use the right word
takeaways every time
show examples
 because they are unhealthy. It is
therefore
Linking Words
 recommended that parents and carers cook healthy food in bulk and store
in
Correct pronoun usage
it in
show examples
 the fridge if cooking
everyday
Use the right word
every day
show examples
 is problematic. Moving on, another
problem
Use synonyms
 is that children spend most of their time on the internet. Some of them
nolonger
Correct your spelling
no longer
 have time to play outside as they did in the previous years. Eating without exercise can fuel obesity.
For instance
Linking Words
, certain researchers found that most youths with too much weight do not like physical
exercises
Fix the agreement mistake
exercise
show examples
, they prefer playing games online. The solution to
this
Linking Words
problem
Use synonyms
 is for adults to set
screen
Correct article usage
a screen
show examples
 time limit for the kids and encourage them to play physical games
such
Linking Words
 as swimming, playing soccer and running.
To conclude
Linking Words
, the essay below has discussed the causes and solutions to obesity in children living in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
urban areas. Eating fast
foods
Fix the agreement mistake
food
show examples
 and
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of exercise
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 been highlighted as some of the causes. Encouraging physical activities and cooking at home is recommended.

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content
The essay has the right topic but the intro is long and not very clear. Make one short intro that says what you will talk about.
structure
Arrange the writing in 3 clear parts: causes, results, and how to fix. Each part should have one main idea.
grammar
Use correct grammar and form. Check for wrong words, plural forms, and article use. Read aloud to find mistakes.
content
Give more exact examples for each cause and each fix. For example, name a food or a place in school where kids can walk.
coherence
Use linking words to show how ideas are tied, like 'first', 'also', 'but', 'as a result'.
lexical
Try to use simple, common words only. Keep spellings right (like McDonald’s).
content
The essay keeps to the topic and has a clear path from start to end.
structure
Some linking to show the plan (beginning and end) is used.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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