IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.

Nowadays, it is essential to have a higher education to get a job, but it puts a lot of pressure on young
lads
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men
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 to be successful academically.
However
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, some argue that non-academic
subjects
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,
such
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 as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the course of study so that children can focus on
subjects
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 like mathematics and science.
Firstly
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, extracurricular courses can benefit
students
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 from a very young age to know and develop their career plan.
For example
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, the University of British Columbia published a study in 2023 that shows,
in particular
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, the comparison of the student who takes practical courses and the
students
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 who don't.
As a result
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, it says that the student with other extra developed skills like cookery or plumbing is more likely to manage daily life problems than the other
students
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.
Secondly
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, Physical education is not only about how to stay fit or to improve health, but
also
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 about the
students
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 who are good at sports being eligible for sports quota and securing a scholarship in a big university or college. To light up, one of my friends who joined the University of Waterloo with a full-coverage scholarship. Undoubtedly, the efforts and dedication he contributed to being the best in Football for many years.
Moreover
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, now he can be an alumnus of one of the best-ranked universities in Canada and can
also
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 upgrade his skills at an upper level. In conclusion,
students
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 have to face a lot of academic pressure to perform well.
However
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, I strongly disagree with removing the non-academic
subjects
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, as it not only affects
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students
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students'
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 intellectual learning and to secure good financial benefits from a prestigious college. I believe that we should consider a balanced approach to offer a wide range of
subjects
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 that can benefit children's mental and health well-being.

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Task response
State your main view clearly in the introduction and keep it fixed through the essay.
Coherence and cohesion
Use a simple plan: intro, 2 body paragraphs, and a short conclusion; each part has a clear idea.
Coherence
Start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that tells the reader the main point.
Evidence
Give real and simple examples that support your point.
Grammar and style
Check the grammar. Use shorter sentences and proper punctuation to avoid run on words.
Evidence
Avoid false facts or weak details; make sure the example fits the point you make.
Task response
The writer shows a clear view that non-academic subjects should not be removed.
Examples
Some specific examples are included, like the names of universities.
Cohesion
The essay keeps a formal tone and tries to follow task instructions.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
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