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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Unemployment leads to a rise in crime in many countries. why? how to solve this problem？

In contemporary society,
employment
Use synonyms
 signifies a stable income,
while
Linking Words
employment
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 breeds insecurity and contributes to rising
crime
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 rates.
Because losing
Change preposition
Losing
show examples
 jobs may result in the loss of livelihood security, potentially leading
individuals
Use synonyms
 down the path of
crime
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. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss the causes of
this
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 problem and propose viable solutions to deal with it. There are some reasons for
this
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.
To begin
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 with, unemployment directly cuts off income sources, making it difficult for many
people
Use synonyms
 to survive. When basic living needs cannot be satisfied through legitimate means, some
individuals
Use synonyms
 are forced to choose low-risk and high-return criminal
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
.
For example
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, unemployed
people
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 may be involved in common criminal activities
such
Linking Words
 as theft.
Furthermore
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, unemployment can lead to feelings of frustration and anxiety.
People
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 who have been engaged in a job for many years will
unable
Verb problem
be unable
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 to adapt, especially when discovering others have work
while
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 they do not, which can
let
Verb problem
lead
show examples
 them have a thought to
take
Verb problem
think about taking
show examples
 revenge on society.
For instance
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, lots of
unemployed
Correct article usage
the unemployed
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 in America provoke citizens and disregard police officers. To counteract these negative consequences, both individual and governmental actions are required. Governments could,
for example
Linking Words
, provide more
employment
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 opportunities for
people
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 who
have no work
Verb problem
are unemployed
show examples
 and help them find suitable jobs.
Additionally
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, the government should promptly reassure them and support their flexible
employment
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 arrangements.
Individuals
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 should maintain a positive mindset,
such
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 as continuing to seek work or pursuing entrepreneurship, which can ensure their standard of
daily lives
Check wording
living
show examples
. In conclusion,
although
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 the unemployed are on the road to
crime
Use synonyms
due to
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 various factors, it can be effectively solved through the efforts of the government and
individuals
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. I believe that there will be fewer
people
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 to
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crime
Fix the agreement mistake
crimes
show examples
 in the future.

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content
Add more detail to each point. Explain why unemployment can lead to crime and how to fix it with real steps.
grammar
Fix mistakes in grammar and word choice. For example, use unemployment, not employment, in the wrong place.
structure
Make links between ideas clearer. Begin each paragraph with a clear sentence about its point and finish with a short end sentence.
examples
Use more simple examples that fit the topic better.
conclusion
Finish with a strong last line that shows your view.
structure
There is a plan with intro, body, and end.
technique
Some good use of linking words.
content
The essay covers both causes and ways to fix.
Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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