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Writing Samples
Band 6

The table below gives information about students enrolments at Bristol University in 1928, 1958 and 2008. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where revelant.

The table below gives information about students enrolments at Bristol University in 1928, 1958 and 2008. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where revelant.
The given table provides data about
Use synonyms
students
Fix the agreement mistake
student
show examples
 enrollments
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
Bristol
Use synonyms
 University in three different years .
Overall
Linking Words
,
huge
Correct article usage
a huge
show examples
 proportion of the
students
Use synonyms
 came from nearby areas in earlier years. But that changed over time as overseas
students
Use synonyms
 overcame local
students
Use synonyms
.
In addition
Linking Words
 that men outnumbered women throughout
years
Correct article usage
the years
show examples
, except for the
last
Linking Words
 one.
Initially
Linking Words
,
Bristol
Use synonyms
 University started from 218 in 1928,
as
Change preposition
with
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 42% of them
are
Wrong verb form
being
show examples
 females
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
Change preposition
apply
show examples
while
Linking Words
. The remained 58% are males.
Additionally
Linking Words
, 50% of enrolled
students
Use synonyms
 in that year came from within 30 miles around
Bristol
Use synonyms
, and 5% joined from external countries.
However
Linking Words
, that changed entirely in the following year, as the college welcomed over 1,046
students
Use synonyms
, 32% of them
are
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
 women,
while
Linking Words
 68%
are
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
 men. Meanwhile, the number of
students
Use synonyms
 who came from local areas reached 14%, and the
ones
Check wording
number
show examples
 who didn't
are
Wrong verb form
was
show examples
 6%.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
Bristol
Use synonyms
 University in the
last
Linking Words
 year
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 accounted for 6,377 learners. Men constituted 46%
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
nevertheless
Linking Words
, women made up 54%.
Additionally
Linking Words
, only 1 - 2
percentage
Use the right word
per cent is
show examples
 assigned from
nearby
Correct article usage
the nearby
show examples
neighborhood
Change the spelling
neighbourhood
show examples
.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "additionally, last, while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words students, bristol with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "changed" was used 2 times.
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