IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

Nowadays,
overpopulation
Use synonyms
 has become a significant challenge in the world. The statistics illustrate that the ratio of youngsters has increased
,
Punctuation problem
.
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 Meanwhile percentage of senior citizens has decreased over a period of time in many countries. In my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
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It
Fix capitalization
it
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 is causing more
more
Fix the agreement mistake
apply
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disadvantages
Punctuation problem
disadvantages,
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included
Replace the word
including
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decrease
Correct article usage
a decrease
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 in job
employments
Fix the agreement mistake
employment
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 and
Use synonyms
increase
Correct article usage
an increase
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 in harassment cases. One advantage is that the young generation is considered a pillar of a nation. The
overpopulation
Use synonyms
 of adults can pay more taxes to the government for the prosperity of a country in technology and science
fields
Check wording
apply
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.To illustrate, China is a developed state because there are 70 % of the
demographic
Check wording
population
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 is
youngster
Replace the word
young
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 and is performing tasks for the Development of the republic. One
disadvantages
Fix the agreement mistake
disadvantage
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 of
Use synonyms
overpopulation
Correct article usage
the overpopulation
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 of youth is causing
fall
Correct article usage
a fall
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 in
employment
Correct article usage
the employment
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 ratio in a country. Because
nowdays
Use the right word
nowadays
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 job opportunities are less available
but
Punctuation problem
, but
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young
Correct article usage
the young
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 generation is more educated and
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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high
Correct word choice
higher
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 degrees and certificates. Eventually become a
reson
Correct your spelling
reason
Change preposition
for in
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in
Use the right word
an
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increase
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
in
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merit.
Therefore
Linking Words
, a few number of individuals get posts. The second drawback is related to
first
Correct article usage
the first
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 disadvantage. Families spend a huge amount of money on their
childs
Check wording
children's
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 universities, to get them a degree or diploma
but
Punctuation problem
, but
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Linking Words
at
Change preposition
in
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 the end they because of no job opportunities
they
Punctuation problem
, they
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 lose confidence and self-esteem. To support their families,they get involved in crimes to earn money, including theft,drug dealing, and sexual harassment.To illustrate, in India, 70% of the population is adult, and every single day, a teenager turns 18. Because of fewer junctures,they become criminals, and because of a lack of awareness, they engage in sexual harassment. In conclusion
increase
Use synonyms
 in young inhabitants
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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cause
Correct subject-verb agreement
causes
show examples
 negative effects on a country. In conclusion, an
increase
Use synonyms
 in the adult population can assist in the advancement of a state by giving taxes to the government or by learning new skills. But it can cause more negative effects by becoming criminals. In my opinion, the disadvantages of the
overpopulation
Use synonyms
 of adults outweigh its advantages.

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task response
Task response: You answer the question and give a view, but ideas are not well shown or built. Add 2-3 clear main ideas with simple support and a more sure final view.
coherence cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: The text has a basic plan but the flow is not smooth. Use a clear topic sentence in each paragraph and connect ideas with words like first, also, but, so. Make each paragraph focus on one idea.
strength
You try to cover both sides and give your view.
strength
You use some examples to back points, like a country or place.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • demographic
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • innovation
  • skilled labor
  • social development
  • technology
  • dividend
  • competition
  • resources
  • social welfare
  • unrest
  • instability
  • healthcare
  • elderly care
What to do next:
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