IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays, people tend to value money and material possessions more than relationships and human values. Why do you think this is happening? Is it a positive or negative development?

Nowadays, many
people
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 have started to value
money
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, possessions, and success more than
people
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 themselves. I think
this
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 is happening because of the influence of social media and the growing lack of kindness among
people
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.
Although
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money
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 is important, in my opinion, putting it above relationships is not right. Why have
people
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 become more materialistic? In modern society, wealth and success have become symbols of achievement. I believe social media makes
people
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 compare themselves with others, and
as a result
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, many try to earn more
money
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 and be the first to buy what is currently popular.
In addition
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, since everything is becoming more expensive nowadays,
people
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 mostly focus on
money
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.
This
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 trend
also
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 has many negative sides.
People
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 who put
money
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 first lose kindness and trust. Family and friendship bonds become weaker, and
such
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people
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 often see themselves as superior and care only about themselves.
Moreover
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, focusing only on material success leads to stress and unhappiness. I believe that true happiness lies in real human relationships.
To conclude
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, the rise of materialism is mainly caused by society and social media.
However
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,
this
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 trend harms
people
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 because
money
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 alone cannot bring happiness.
Money
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 is necessary, but it can never buy love or true wealth.

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structure
Add one small counter view and show why your view stays strong.
development
Give more real examples that are simple and short to back each point.
language
Use simple words and short sentences to keep it clear.
coherence
Keep one idea in each paragraph and link ideas with clear, easy words.
conclusion
End with a short, clear restate of your view.
task
Clear stance that money should not stand above people
structure
Intro, body, and conclusion are easy to see
coherence
Ideas are easy to follow with good linking
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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