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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graphs illustrates the info relating to time worked and stress levels amongst professionals in eight groups. Describe the information shown to a university or collage lecturer.

The graphs illustrates the info relating to time worked and stress levels amongst professionals in eight groups. Describe the information shown to a university or collage lecturer.
The bar chart gives the information about the average working time (in
hours
Use synonyms
) of eight different
proffesions
Correct your spelling
professions
 in a week
Linking Words
while
Punctuation problem
, while
show examples
 the pie chart shows the distribution of stress
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
 among those occupations.
Overall
Linking Words
,
business men
Use the right word
businessmen
show examples
 have the highest number of
hours
Use synonyms
 working,
while
Linking Words
 the
lecturers
Use synonyms
are
Verb problem
have
show examples
 the least
takes time
Verb problem
time-consuming
show examples
 job.
In
Change preposition
On
show examples
contrary
Correct article usage
the contrary
show examples
, the
lecturers
Use synonyms
 share the biggest
proportion
Use synonyms
 related to the stress,
whereas
Linking Words
 the programmers experience the
fewest
Correct word choice
least
show examples
 stress among others. Looking in detail
to
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the data, the
business men
Use the right word
businessmen
show examples
 account for 70
hours
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a week that making them
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the busiest
jobs
Fix the agreement mistake
job
show examples
. Meanwhile, the movie producers are the second place in
term
Fix the agreement mistake
terms
show examples
 of the rate
job
Change preposition
of job
show examples
 duration, reaching 60
hours
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a week. It follows
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
doctors and writers with over 50
hours
Use synonyms
 and around 47
hours
Use synonyms
, respectively.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the programmers, lawyers, and chefs stand
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
between 30 - 40
hours
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
,
lecturers
Use synonyms
 experience the fewest
hours
Use synonyms
, representing approximately 25
hours
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, related to the mental health issue,
lecturers
Use synonyms
 share the dominant
proportion
Use synonyms
, reaching a quarter in total.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the movie producers
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 almost a fifth
while
Linking Words
 the doctors share 15%.
In addition
Linking Words
,
business men
Use the right word
businessmen
show examples
 and doctors have almost
similar
Correct article usage
a similar
show examples
proportion
Use synonyms
,
stand
Wrong verb form
standing
show examples
 at 11% and 10%, respectively. It is interesting to note that writers and lawyers have an equal
proportion
Use synonyms
,
stand
Wrong verb form
standing
show examples
 at 8%, in each. Meanwhile, the programmers experience the fewest mental
helth
Correct your spelling
health
 risk, with only 5%.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words hours, lecturers, proportion with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "information" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "stand" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 2 times.
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