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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The two pie charts below show the online shopping sales for retail sectors in Canada in 2005 and 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. (20 mins.)

The two pie charts below show the online shopping sales for retail sectors in Canada in 2005 and 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. (20 mins.)
Linking Words
This
Fix the agreement mistake
These
show examples
 charts compare Canadian's online sales for various retail sectors in 2005 and 2010.
Overall
Linking Words
, electronics and
appliance
Fix the agreement mistake
appliances
show examples
 had the highest percentage of all in 2005
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
meanwhile
Add a comma
meanwhile,
show examples
this
Linking Words
 trend changed to food and beverages in 2010.
In addition
Linking Words
, the lowest percentage
off
Change preposition
of
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 the retail sector changed from video games to
home
Use synonyms
 furnishings
among
Change preposition
over
show examples
 the years. In 2005, more than
one third
Use the right word
one-third
show examples
 of online shopping
sold
Verb problem
sales were
show examples
 electronics and
appliance
Fix the agreement mistake
appliances
show examples
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, followed by
home
Use synonyms
 furnishings
about
Punctuation problem
, about
show examples
 one fourth. Food and beverage
almost
Verb problem
are almost
show examples
 similar
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
home
Use synonyms
 furnishing
with
Punctuation problem
, with
show examples
 just
lower
Correct article usage
a lower
show examples
 3
Use synonyms
percents
Use the right word
per cent
show examples
.
Then
Linking Words
, video games contributed the least because
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 reached just 18
Use synonyms
percents
Use the right word
per cent
show examples
. Different from 2005, in 2010, food and beverage experienced a bigger percentage of
all
Punctuation problem
all,
show examples
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 was 32
Use synonyms
percents
Use the right word
per cent
show examples
.
Then
Linking Words
, with 2
Use synonyms
percents
Use the right word
per cent
show examples
 lower, electronics and
appliance
Fix the agreement mistake
appliances
show examples
 became the second highest sales. After that, followed by video games
with
Punctuation problem
, with
show examples
 just 23
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
.
Lastly
Linking Words
, with just 15
Use synonyms
percents
Use the right word
per cent
show examples
,
home
Use synonyms
 furnishing became
unpopular
Correct article usage
an unpopular
show examples
 retail
sectors
Fix the agreement mistake
sector
show examples
 in 2010.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words home, percents with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "changed" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 3 times.
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