IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Walking is important for health but the number of people walking has reduced. What is the reason of this situation? What can be done to take this problem?

Walking has a
lot
Use synonyms
 of health benefits in our physical bodies
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
however
Linking Words
, a
lot
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
 can't walk every day
due to
Linking Words
 a
lot
Use synonyms
 of reasons. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will explain what other reasons are and what we can do about
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
, to encourage
people
Use synonyms
 to walk.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, doing a simple exercise like walking can help to fight diseases not only in the physical body, but
also
Linking Words
 in the mental state of the person.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, walking every day can give a good feeling and reduce anxiety. Even though you don't do extreme workouts, walking alone is already beneficial and effective.
For instance
Linking Words
, a
lot
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
 can enjoy walking, so we can make it a habit to walk around with our loved ones at the nearby park every weekend. By simply sightseeing, we can have great memories with them.
Also
Linking Words
, any age, youngest to oldest, can do it
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 and benefit from it.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the number of
people
Use synonyms
 who walk has reduced. For the reasons of
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 improved technology, a
lot
Use synonyms
 of us are hooked and always looking at our mobile phones for the whole day.
Thus
Linking Words
, we tend to do our job, assignments, and hobbies on these devices.
Therefore
Linking Words
, we feel
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of encouragement to
do
Verb problem
apply
show examples
walk outside and perform a simple exercise. Another reason is that we become occupied in adult life, where we have a
lot
Use synonyms
 of responsibilities and no time to take care of ourselves. One example of
this
Linking Words
, when we feel exhausted in everything we do, our body wants to be in bed and prefers to sleep.
To conclude
Linking Words
, I believe that the best solution is for the government to promote a healthy lifestyle by showing the citizens the importance of walking and exercising, providing parks and free registration for the gym area.
Moreover
Linking Words
, if we love ourselves, the best thing we can do is to take care of ourselves, physically, emotionally, and mentally;
therefore
Linking Words
, we can have a long and happy life.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
To task response, give a clear answer to the question. show the problem then give strong steps to fix it. use one clear idea per paragraph and give a small example.
coherence and cohesion
To coherence and cohesion, use simple links like and, but, also, then. Keep each paragraph on one main idea and order ideas in a clear path (problem, cause, fix).
content
The essay tries to cover both why walking is good and why it is less used.
structure
There is a plan in the end with a possible fix.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: