IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many people think that mobile phones should be banned in public place such as libraries, shops and public transport.Do you agre or disagree.

It is commonly believed that the
use
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 of mobile devices should be restricted in public areas
such
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 as libraries , stores and transport. I completely agree with
this
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 statement
completely
Rephrase
apply
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because it can enhance
the
Correct article usage
apply
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social life and help
people
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 stay organised.
Firstly
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,
people
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 who
use
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 mobile
phones
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 can be easily distracted when they pay attention to an important task.
This
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 is because
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 they receive messages from relatives and strangers and spend time watching unnecessary online videos.
This
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 reduces the efficiency of useful work.
For example
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, take a bank employee who may increase the risk of losing big money if he works at a bank
while
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 he does not pay close attention to his bank account.
Therefore
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, you should
throw
Verb problem
put
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 your
phone
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 away
while
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 you work on serious work,
it
Correct word choice
as it
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 can improve efficiency and productivity. Another important factor to consider is that using mobile
phones
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 carelessly can lead to serious accidents and damage. The reason for
this
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 is that
t
Correct your spelling
the
 careless
use
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 of
phones
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 reduces public safety and can disturb the social order
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For
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. For
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 instance,
people
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 talking loudly on the
phone
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 in buses or subways can distract drivers or annoy other passengers..
Hence
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, using the mobile
phone
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 properly plays an important role in public areas. In conclusion, mobile
phones
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 should be restricted in public areas to reduce that kind of chaos.
Firstly
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, restricting
phones
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 helps
people
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 focus and be productive
,
Punctuation problem
;
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secondly
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, it improves safety and encourages respectful
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
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. Limiting mobile
phone
Use synonyms
use
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 in public places might be convenient for everyone

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coherence
Make the plan clearer. The intro should show your view and what you will say. Each paragraph should have one main idea and a link to the next.
coherence
Use simpler links and avoid long gaps in thought. Use words like also, but, and to connect ideas.
grammar
Check grammar and spelling: some word forms are wrong (for example 'transport' and 'carelessly'), and 'completely' is used too much.
task
Give more detail and clear examples to back each point. Explain how the example backs the idea.
grammar
Vary sentence length. Use short and long sentences for a better flow.
lexical
Use accurate word choice. Avoid phrases that sound odd or harsh, like 'throw your phone away'.
strength
You state your view clearly and give two good reasons.
strength
There is basic order with the use of 'Firstly' and 'Secondly'.
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