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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Today many teenagers rely greatly on technology when learning. Is this a positive or negative development?

One of the widely discussed
issue
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issues
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 among youngsters nowadays is that they often use innovations when studying. In my opinion, technology can really foster
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the educating
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educating
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educational
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 process by making learning material interactive and accessible
,
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;
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however
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, it can distract people and cause brain shrinkage, but I believe that
advantages
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the advantages
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outweighs
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outweigh
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disadvantages
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the disadvantages
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. On the one hand, innovations allow people all around the world to learn.
Discovering
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The discovery
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 of
internet
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the internet
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 was one of the biggest
breakthrough
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breakthroughs
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.
Internet
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The internet
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 gives individuals opportunities to study remotely, away from teachers or educational centres.
Moreover
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, it opens vast libraries of information and resources.
In addition
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 to that, AI tools are taking over the educational system
,
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apply
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 by making studying more personalised and entertaining.
For example
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, more and more
student
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students
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 started to use
“
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the “subway
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subway surfers
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Subway Surfers
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 AI” app, which converts their research papers to interactive, short videos.
Thus
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, using groundbreaking techniques
engage
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engages
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 students in learning and makes studying more exciting.
On the other hand
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, technological advancements can make humans less concentrated and absent-minded. When people open their
phones
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phones,
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 they can unintentionally be distracted by other apps. The main goal of those apps is to involve as many viewers as possible
,
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;
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 for that,
wide
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a wide
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 range of techniques
are
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is
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 applied. By spending hours in front of the screen,
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the human’s
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human’s
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the human
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 brain loses
ability
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the ability
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 to memorise and consume
a
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apply
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long-term content.
For instance
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, in 2023, researchers from Stanford University
have
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apply
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found that watching TikToks and Instagram Reels can lower cognitive functions of
a
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the
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 brain
,
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apply
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 by reducing grey matter.
Therefore
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, innovations can disrupt
thinking
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the thinking
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 capabilities of teenagers. In conclusion, now younger generation tends to use more innovative methods of learning. It has both benefits,
such
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 as
,
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apply
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 more efficient studying and better access to information, and drawbacks,
such
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 as
,
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apply
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 loss of focus and lack of attention. In my point of view,
this
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 development is more beneficial than negative.

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grammar
Fix grammar and make subject and verb agree. Use simple, clear sentences.
coherence
Make the start clear. State your view in a simple line. End with a strong, clear decision.
task response
Give more real or clear examples that fit the point you make. Do not use facts that sound wrong or odd.
coherence
Keep ideas in a clean order. Use one idea per paragraph and link them with small, easy ties.
stance
The writer has a line of view that plays down the idea of tech use.
structure
There is a clear how-to plan with 'on the one hand' and 'on the other hand'.
content
The topic is taken up straight and a conclusion is given.
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