IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience

In the modern
era
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era,
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 the public well-being is given the highest priority among all other aspects of life. For that
several
Punctuation problem
, several
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 people argue that
the
Correct article usage
a
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 significant way of improving public
health
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 is the provision of sports
facilities
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. Others
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however
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, however
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, think that
this
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 would have little effect on community fitness , and
this
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 requires other prominent measures. Both views will be discussed before formulating my own opinion. on the one hand supporters of the sports
facilities
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 think that
due to
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 the over use of technological
facilities
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 society is becoming coach-potato, which leads to creation of many
health
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issues
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, like obesity, diabetes, weak eye sight, and chronic neck pain, to overcome these
health
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issues
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 community need a regular physical exercise, like playing cricket, yoga volleball and swimming, which helps in maintaining the body weight, relieve enxiety and stress.
For example
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, a cricketer stays fit
due to
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the
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apply
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regular physical exercise compared to normal people.
On the other hand
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 many orgue that apart from sport
facilities
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health
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 improvement requires many other measures,
such
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 as proper sleep pattern, which would
otherwise
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 generates many
issues
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 like, high blood pressure, psychological problems,
in addition
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 to that bad eating habits
also
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 have a lot of adverse effects, people are addicted to number of wrong food choices like, oily foods, spicy, which
also
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 includes many
health
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 related problems.more Overprofessional work-life balance is another measure which should be implemented to avoid
health
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issues
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 in society. In conclusion, despite sports having many advantages to improve
health
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 but many other points should be noted to make a safe and healthy society.

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introduction conclusion present
Be clear about your own view in the introduction and repeat it in the conclusion so the reader knows your stance.
supported main points
Give each view with a clear reason. Use one example for each idea and explain how it proves your point.
coherence
Add more details and link ideas with simple words like and, but, also, however, therefore.
logical structure
Make your plan before writing: first present one idea, then the other, then your own view.
grammar
Check spelling and grammar. Use short, simple sentences to avoid mistakes.
relevant specific examples
Make sure your examples really fit the point you are making and show why they matter.
content
The essay tries to cover two sides of the issue.
structure
There is a basic form of essay with an introduction, body and conclusion.
coherence
The writer uses some connecting words like 'on the one hand' and 'on the other hand'.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • public health
  • sports facilities
  • physical activity
  • exercise
  • chronic diseases
  • heart disease
  • obesity
  • inclusivity
  • participation
  • safe environment
  • social interaction
  • community engagement
  • comprehensive approach
  • health education programs
  • environmental factors
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • quality healthcare services
  • public health initiatives
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