IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

In some countries, many parents teach their kids that everything can be achieved if they work try enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

It is usually believed that
this
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 topic plays an important role in our
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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. In my opinion, I agree with
this
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 idea, but some
people
Use synonyms
 may disagree. In
this
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 essay, I am going to discuss
this
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 question from both points of view and give reasons for my opinion. On one hand,
My
Fix capitalization
my
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 first reason is that it helps
people
Use synonyms
 improve their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
For example
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, when young
people
Use synonyms
 believe they can succeed,
this
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 leads to better results in the future. My second reason is that it gives
people
Use synonyms
 more opportunities.
For instance
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, when kids work hard,
this
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 helps them make better decisions in their studies or future jobs.
One
Use the right word
On
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other
Correct article usage
the other
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 hand ,
Some
Fix capitalization
some
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people
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 believe that teaching
this
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 message may cause stress.
For example
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, some kids feel pressure to succeed in everything.
Secondly
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, others think that
this
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 idea may not be realistic.
For instance
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, not all goals can be achieved easily, even with hard work.
To conclude
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, there are no easy answers to
this
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 question.
However
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, I tend to believe that
this
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 idea is useful if
people
Use synonyms
 use it correctly, and it can improve their lives in many ways.

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improve task response
State a clear stance in the intro and keep it in the conclusion. Each paragraph should begin with a topic sentence that shows the point you will talk about.
improve task response
Add more detail to each point. Give real and clear examples that show how the idea works in life.
improve coherence cohesion
Correct 'One other hand' to 'On the other hand' and fix other small grammar errors to help readers see your meaning.
improve coherence cohesion
Link sentences with better use of 'also', 'in addition', 'however', 'therefore' so ideas flow smooth.
structure
The essay has a clear structure with introduction, body, and conclusion.
content
It talks about both sides and gives some examples to show the point.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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