IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that governments should have access to people’s mobile phone call records and messages for safety reasons. Others believe that this information is private and should not be available without permission. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

In today’s world, the rapid dissemination of technology could bring unimagined advances in electrical devices.
While
Linking Words
 some
people
Use synonyms
 argue that their mobile phone call
records
Use synonyms
 and
message
Fix the agreement mistake
messages
show examples
 should be supervised by
governments
Use synonyms
 for safety reasons,
others-including me-believe
Correct your spelling
others, including me, believe
 that
this
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imformation
Correct your spelling
information
 is private,
governments
Use synonyms
 cannot obtain it without their permission. The reason why
governments
Use synonyms
 need to supervise call
records
Use synonyms
 and
messages
Use synonyms
 is that
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 can protect
personal
Correct article usage
the personal
show examples
 safety of property. Some bad
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 have induced
people
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 to provide private
message
Fix the agreement mistake
messages
show examples
 like the code of
bankcard
Correct article usage
a bankcard
show examples
 for them through
calling
Verb problem
apply
show examples
phones
Fix the agreement mistake
phone
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, with
Check wording
calls, with
show examples
the
Use the right word
they
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money is
Verb problem
are
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 cheating away.
For example
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, some
elderlies
Replace the word
elderly people
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 cannot
aware
Verb problem
be aware
show examples
 whether it is correct on the call.
Therefore
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, it is
easily
Replace the word
easy
show examples
 for them to trust
stranger
Correct article usage
a stranger
show examples
, who might use their private
information
Use synonyms
 to conduct criminal activities.
Consequently
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,
governments
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 could find out harmful
messages
Use synonyms
at
Change preposition
for
show examples
first
Correct article usage
the first
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 time by supervising call
records
Use synonyms
 and
messages
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,
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
that preventing
people
Use synonyms
be
Wrong verb form
from being
show examples
 cheated efficiently.
However
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, some
people
Use synonyms
unwilling
Verb problem
are unwilling
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 to share
this
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information
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to
Change preposition
with
show examples
governments
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, since they
does
Correct subject-verb agreement
do
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 not want to live like a prisoner under supervision. Most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 chat with family
of
Use the right word
or
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closed
Correct word choice
close
show examples
friend
Fix the agreement mistake
friends
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 by
calling
Verb problem
apply
show examples
phone. They
does
Correct subject-verb agreement
do
show examples
 not want to make
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this
Fix the agreement mistake
these
show examples
messages
Use synonyms
 transparent, since they reckon these as personal privacy.
Moreover
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, they indicate that
this
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information
Use synonyms
 should be available with their permission, as individuals need to be respected.
Therefore
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,
governments
Use synonyms
 need to mention them in advance before
conduct
Replace the word
conducting
show examples
 supervised action.
For instance
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, nowadays, we can hear that “can we
recoord
Correct your spelling
record
 your call
messages
Use synonyms
 during the process?”
Consequently
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,
people
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 can choose by themselves, with
governments
Use synonyms
 protecting them
in
Change preposition
to
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 a large extent. In conclusion,
although
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governments
Use synonyms
 want to protect our safety
via obtain
Change preposition
by obtaining
show examples
 call
records
Use synonyms
 and
messages
Use synonyms
, I prefer that
governments
Use synonyms
 should acquire
this
Linking Words
information
Use synonyms
 with our permission. Individuals need to be respected,
with making
Change preposition
to make
show examples
 a warm society.

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task response
The essay tries to talk about both views and give a view. To gain more score, be clear and keep to one main idea in each part.
coherence
grammar
Fix errors in spelling and grammar. Use small, correct sentences. check plural and verb form.
lexical
Pick good, simple examples that fit your point. Explain how the example shows your point.
strength
The writer shows a view and says what they think.
strength
There is a plan and some order to the text.
strength
There are some examples to back points.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • access
  • privacy
  • communication data
  • public safety
  • terrorist activities
  • serious crimes
  • monitoring
  • tracked
  • unauthorized access
  • fundamental human right
  • abuse of power
  • infringement
  • trust in governmental institutions
  • surveillance capabilities
  • government power
  • overreach
  • strict regulations
  • accountability measures
  • individual rights
  • potential misuse
  • swift interventions
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