IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays, young individuals are subjected to immense pressure to achieve academic excellence. In order to do
this
Linking Words
, there is an idea that non-academic programs of study ,
such
Linking Words
 as physical education and cookery, should be completely removed from the school. I partially agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement.
This
Linking Words
 essay will provide evidence to support my opinion. I completely disagree that the non-academic
subjects
Use synonyms
 should be removed from the curriculum.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
subjects
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as physical education promote many skills. Not only physical fitness but
also
Linking Words
 vital life skills
such
Linking Words
 as teamwork, leadership and resilience.
For example
Linking Words
, sports teach young people how to work collaboratively toward common goals.
Secondly
Linking Words
,overemphasis on
academics
Use synonyms
 can lead to health issues. An illustration of
this
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 can be seen in the increase of burnout among high school
students
Use synonyms
, who feel overwhelmed
due to
Linking Words
 the increased academic demand.
Finally
Linking Words
, non-academic
subjects
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as music and art promote culture. Some
students
Use synonyms
 have talent in these areas.
Also
Linking Words
, art reflects society.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, I agree that
students
Use synonyms
 should focus more intently on their
academics
Use synonyms
.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
subjects
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as mathematics, language and science give
students
Use synonyms
 skills that are required in almost every career field.
Secondly
Linking Words
, academic studies contribute directly to country development, especially in fields
such
Linking Words
 as technology, medicine and engineering.
For instance
Linking Words
,when
students
Use synonyms
 excel academically, they are more likely to make meaningful contributions to society.
Finally
Linking Words
,academic educational programs are necessary for higher education.
Therefore
Linking Words
, when
students
Use synonyms
 spend more time mastering these
subjects
Use synonyms
,
this
Linking Words
 will give them a chance to perform better in University. In conclusion,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 a balanced curriculum is better than focusing only on
academics
Use synonyms
.
While
Linking Words
 I agree that
students
Use synonyms
 need to focus on
academics
Use synonyms
, I do not agree that removing non-academic
subjects
Use synonyms
 will help.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task
In the intro, clearly say how much you agree. Then keep your main idea in each paragraph so the reader can see your view.
task
Give one or two clear examples to back each point, not only general ideas.
grammar
Make your sentences short and fix mistakes in grammar and punctuation.
task
The essay shows both sides and ends with a balance.
coherence
There are linking words that help the flow.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
What to do next:
Look at other essays: