IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that the best way to build a happier society is to ensure that there are only small differences between the richest and poorest members. To what extent do you agree or disagree

In recent years, the topic of whether narrowing the
gap
Use synonyms
 between the richest and poorest can improve our
society
Use synonyms
. I strongly believe that the perfect
society
Use synonyms
 is based on equality.
As a result
Linking Words
, I agree that the best way to create a delightful
society
Use synonyms
 is to bridge the
gap
Use synonyms
 between the rich and the poor. First of all, reducing the
gap
Use synonyms
 between the rich and the poor can prevent crime and social conflict.
According to
Linking Words
 the newest research, the
gap
Use synonyms
 between the rich and the poor
imply
Correct subject-verb agreement
implies
show examples
 the possibility of crime.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, criminal activities led to an unstable atmosphere in
society
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, the
north
Correct word choice
northern
show examples
 European countries publish numerous social welfare policies. Helping those who
under
Verb problem
are under
show examples
 the poverty line to maintain their basic survival requirements. In that way, we can ensure that the poor won’t do harmful things to
society
Use synonyms
 based on survival. The
gap
Use synonyms
 between the poor and the rich
represent
Correct subject-verb agreement
represents
show examples
 the unbalanced distribution of resources.
No matter
Correct word choice
Whether it
show examples
 is education or medical treatments, the rich usually have better quality.
However
Linking Words
, it doesn’t mean the poor
haven’t
Correct word order
don’t have
show examples
 potential.
For instance
Linking Words
, there is a
children
Fix the agreement mistake
child
show examples
 born in a rural village in India. He invents numerous formulas
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
mathematics
Punctuation problem
mathematics,
show examples
hence
Linking Words
 he becomes
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 genius in the village. One day, he confidently presents his research results to the world,
Linking Words
however
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
these are basic knowledge for everyone. If the children can receive better education, it is hard to imagine how strong
he
Fix the agreement mistake
they
show examples
 could be. Maybe he can publish more astonishing results.
This
Linking Words
 is the reason why the equality of education rights
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 so meaningful. In conclusion, the advantages of bridging the
gap
Use synonyms
 between the rich and the poor outweigh
disadvantages
Correct article usage
the disadvantages
show examples
. We should move on to the equality of
society
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,
otherwise
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 broaden the
gap
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causing
Punctuation problem
, causing
show examples
 discrimination in
society
Use synonyms
.

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coherence cohesion
Make your main idea more clear in each body part. Start each part with one direct point, then explain it.
coherence cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. Some ideas jump too fast, so add simple links like 'because', 'for example', and 'therefore'.
task achievement
Support your examples more. Your India example is interesting, but explain more clearly how it links to income gap.
task achievement
Answer the question more fully. You say you agree, but you can also show why this is the best way, not only a good way.
task achievement
Avoid very broad claims without clear support. Keep your point close to the topic in every sentence.
task achievement
You clearly give your opinion in the introduction and keep the same position to the end.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear basic shape: introduction, two body parts, and conclusion.
task achievement
You use examples to support your ideas, which helps your response feel real.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • income inequality
  • distribution of wealth
  • social cohesion
  • social unrest
  • crime rates
  • economic equality
  • overall well-being
  • health outcomes
  • education outcomes
  • motivation
  • innovation
  • equal opportunities
  • wealth redistribution
  • economic growth
  • productivity
What to do next:
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