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Writing Samples
Band 4

art and music are considred some of the fundamental elements of all societies, and some suggest that hildren should learn them at school. Do you think art and music still have a place in today;s modern wordl of technology? Should children spend more time learning art and music at school ?

In all societies,
art
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 and
music
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 are
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
important
element
Fix the agreement mistake
elements
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 and
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 should be
teached
Correct your spelling
taught
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 kids in
school
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, because
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 still
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 an
impotant
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important
 place in today's
world
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, even though
technology
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 is
nowadays
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apply
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becoming a big part of the
world
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.
Correct word order
nowadays.
show examples
Art
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 and
music
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 still have a place in the modern
world
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, because
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
gives
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give
show examples
 qualities that
technology
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 takes away. By being on devices daily, where there is already
given an image
Correct word order
an image given
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 that you
dont
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don't
 have
think
Verb problem
to think
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of
Change preposition
about
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 yourself, people start to lose the creative side of thinking, because they don'
t
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 have to use it when being on technologically programmed devices.
This
Linking Words
 gives people the feeling of not wanting to think for themselves, but by doing
art
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 and
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music
Punctuation problem
music,
show examples
 it gives the
qualitie
Correct your spelling
quality
 of being creative and thinking outside the box. As an example, as
scientist
Fix the agreement mistake
scientists
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 have proven, that by doing
art
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, a
person
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develpos
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develops
 their creative side and the
qualitie
Correct your spelling
quality
 to think of their own
view point
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viewpoint
show examples
, which is what the internet takes away from a
person
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. These two subjects should be
teached
Correct your spelling
taught
 more in
school
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, so that the children don'
t
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 lose the importance of thinking by themselves. If it is a know thing that by doing more
art
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 and
music
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 it gives the
person
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 the abilities that
technology
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 can'
t
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,
then
Linking Words
 there should be more time spent in
school
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 so that the youth don'
t
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 lose the ability to think by themselves, taking in mind that nowadays technologies are becoming more and more popular and
school
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 is the place where the society can teach something for the next generation. As an example, in the Steiner
education
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education,
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 it is
obligated
Replace the word
obligatory
show examples
 to learn
and
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an
show examples
 instrument in the first four grades, so that the children develop the creative and individual side. In the modern
Use synonyms
world
Add a comma
world,
show examples
 the internet and devices are becoming a big part of it, but
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
takes
Correct subject-verb agreement
take
show examples
 away some abilities that are important for a
person
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. By doing
art
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 and
music
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, those qualities that
technology
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 takes away, they are being developed and
strenghtened
Correct your spelling
strengthened
, so in
school
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 they should be
teached
Correct your spelling
taught
 more so that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
doen'
Use the right word
doesn't
show examples
t
Use synonyms
 lose its important element.

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grammar
Fix many grammar and word errors so the meaning is clear (for example, teach, improve, even, them).
structure
Use a short, clear plan in the essay. Start with a short map of the idea in the first sentence of each paragraph.
examples
Give one or two clear examples and explain how they support your point.
conclusion
End with a short conclusion that restates the main idea.
linking
Use simple link words to show how your ideas fit together (and, but, also, because).
content
The writer has a clear view that art and music are important and should be taught.
strengths
Some ideas are good and the essay tries to use examples such as Steiner education.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Indispensability
  • Holistic development
  • Fosters
  • Emotional intelligence
  • Cultural heritage
  • Globalized
  • Cultural roots
  • STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, and Mathematics)
  • Integrating
  • Logical and creative thinking abilities
  • Cognitive abilities
  • Curricula
  • Rounded individuals
What to do next:
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