IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The rise of social media has affected personal relationship and society as a while. Do the advantages of using social media to communicate outweigh the disadvantages?

The growth of social
media
Use synonyms
 has affected individual
connection
Fix the agreement mistake
connections
show examples
 and
community
Fix the agreement mistake
communities
show examples
 for a short time. There might be both advantages and disadvantages of using social
media
Use synonyms
 to communicate, but I believe it has more benefits. The main advantage is that many
people
Use synonyms
 nowadays take technology as a daily
use
Use synonyms
, considering the increase of technology
making
Punctuation problem
, making
show examples
 it much easier for
people
Use synonyms
 to
use
Use synonyms
 social
media
Use synonyms
 to communicate with each other.
People
Use synonyms
 can just sit on their couch at home and chat with their
long distance
Use the right word
long-distance
show examples
 friends, or even have a video call with each other. They can
also
Linking Words
 make a new friend from another country with social
media
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as Instagram,
Tiktok
Use the right word
TikTok
show examples
, or from a game platform that everyone on
this
Linking Words
 earth uses
like
Punctuation problem
, like
show examples
 Roblox, Valorant, and many more video games.
This
Linking Words
Linking Words
also can
Correct word order
can also
show examples
 make
people
Use synonyms
 learn a new language and culture from their friends abroad, so they can gain a
lot
Use synonyms
 of new things.
For instance
Linking Words
, a
lot
Use synonyms
 of youngsters in Indonesia got new friends from online games, and because of that, they can have a
lot
Use synonyms
 of
relation
Replace the word
relationships
show examples
, and even speak other languages fluently.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there are some downsides. Some individuals might feel less comfortable with online communication, because they can
more
Fix the agreement mistake
apply
show examples
express their feelings
face to face
Use the right word
more face-to-face
show examples
, rather than chatting. And some
people
Use synonyms
 may
also
Linking Words
 have a mental issue because of
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of awareness of
media
Use synonyms
 social
use
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, there are some
people
Use synonyms
 who get bullied
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 social
media
Use synonyms
, they post a video of themself, and a
lot
Use synonyms
 of netizens leave awful comments, and that could
make
Verb problem
trigger
show examples
 them
triggered by
Verb problem
because of
show examples
 the bad comments. They might feel insecure because of that, or even get a serious mental issue
such
Linking Words
 as anxiety, depression,
and
Correct word choice
or
show examples
can
Verb problem
apply
show examples
even
cause
Verb problem
apply
show examples
bipolar
in
Check wording
disorder in
show examples
any
Correct determiner usage
some
show examples
 cases. Some of them might feel unworthy to be alive
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 and choose suicide
instead
Linking Words
. In conclusion, social
media
Use synonyms
sometimes can
Correct word order
can sometimes
show examples
 be the best choice to communicate or might be the reason for someone to end their life. In the end, if individuals choose to raise their awareness to
use
Use synonyms
 social
media
Use synonyms
, there might be a
lot
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 can feel safe and comfortable with online communication.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task
Make your main view very clear in your first paragraph and end with a strong conclusion that restates your view.
support
Add more reason for each point and connect each idea to the main view. Give more real examples.
coherence
Use clear and short sentences. Use fewer long ones and link ideas with simple words like first, next, also, finally.
language
Fix small grammar, spell words better, and be careful with phrases like 'for a short time'.
strength
Your choice is clear and easy to see.
strength
You use examples from life and games that fit the topic.
strength
You make a link between online talk and learning new things.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: