IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that the government is wasting money on the arts and that this money could be better spent elsewhere. To what extent do you agree with this view?

Some folks argue that the federal government should allocate its budget
on
Change preposition
to
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 other things rather than
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
arts related
Use the right word
arts-related
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 fields
such
Linking Words
 as music and painting.
I
Change preposition
To I
show examples
large extent agree with the view because there are many essential areas, where the state could focus
like
Punctuation problem
, like
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 healthcare and
education
Punctuation problem
education,
show examples
 to develop the country.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, many villages in some countries are struggling with uncertain deaths
due to
Linking Words
 not having proper medication. If the authorities invest money in certain scientific areas like research, opening
clinic
Correct article usage
a clinic
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, and providing free vaccinations,
community
Correct article usage
the community
show examples
 will suffer less.
For example
Linking Words
,
according to
Linking Words
 BBC
news
Fix capitalization
News
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, at least 40% of farmers in India
dies
Correct subject-verb agreement
die
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 because there are
less
Fix the agreement mistake
fewer
show examples
 hospitals in small towns
Punctuation problem
; due
show examples
due
Change preposition
as
show examples
Linking Words
this
Correct determiner usage
a
show examples
Check wording
result
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reason
Punctuation problem
reason,
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 ill people have to travel far to reach the medical centre and many times these farmers
died
Wrong verb form
die
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 on
route
Check wording
the way
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.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the government should lower the fees in public schools so that every child can get
education
Correct article usage
an education
show examples
.
This
Linking Words
 is to say that many poor kids could not
enroll
Change the spelling
enrol
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 in the primary schools
due to
Linking Words
 higher fees. These kids are so important for a particular nation
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
 if they receive proper teaching, the country will be more developed.
For Instance
Linking Words
, in
Dubai
Add a comma
Dubai,
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 the government is providing
scholarship
Fix the agreement mistake
scholarships
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 to those students who score 90% in their academics, which
eventually
Verb problem
is eventually
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 beneficial for the country because most of these pupils are talented and will secure higher positions
such
Linking Words
 as doctors and scientists in the future.
To conclude
Linking Words
, I totally think that the authorities are wasting finances on
art related
Use the right word
art-related
show examples
 activities because these are secondary sources
Linking Words
Punctuation problem
; instead
show examples
instead
Punctuation problem
instead,
show examples
 they should
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
 it on medical facilities and reduce the cost of education.

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language
Fix the spelling and grammar. 'to a large extent' is correct; 'there are less hospitals' should be 'there are fewer hospitals'. Also watch 'die' vs 'died' and other small errors that move the wrong sense.
structure
Add a clear view at the start and a short plan. Each paragraph should talk about one main idea.
content
Use examples that fit the claim. Explain how a hospital or money save helps people and how it links to not spending on art.
cohesion
Use clearer linking words to show ideas flow. Try 'first', 'also', 'in addition', 'however'.
content
Keep a calm tone and do not use wrong facts. If you use facts, write them as you know them and try to check them.
content
The writer shows a clear view on the topic.
structure
There is an attempt to use examples and to discuss two ideas: health and education.
cohesion
Linking words like 'To begin with' and 'Moreover' are used.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • enriching society
  • promoting cultural understanding
  • development of talent
  • creative industries
  • economic benefits
  • generate revenue
  • cultural heritage
  • identity
  • prioritize spending
  • needs of the majority
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