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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that competition at work, at school, and in daily life is a good thing. Others believe that we should try to cooperate more, rather than competing against each other. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

A living organism
who
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 has a brain is human. As a mindful organism, humans have
characteristic
Correct article usage
a characteristic
show examples
 to either compete or cooperate.
Competition
Use synonyms
 in several places,
such
Linking Words
 as in the workplace, school and in daily life
for
Punctuation problem
, for
show examples
 some
people
Use synonyms
 is a good thing,
while
Linking Words
 others think the opposite, where
people
Use synonyms
 should give hand rather than compete with each other. Both sides of the debate will be outlined, and I stand for the latter view. On the one hand,
people
Use synonyms
 can enhance motivation to grow from
doing
Verb problem
apply
show examples
competition
Use synonyms
 in
work
Use synonyms
 and in school.
For example
Linking Words
, students who tend to compete with each other will study hard in order to gain the best score in their exams.
Therefore
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, the top students in their exams were awarded first rank in their classes.
This
Linking Words
 rivalry pushes
people
Use synonyms
 to
do
Verb problem
work
show examples
 harder to reach goals. From
this
Linking Words
 example,
it is clear that
Linking Words
competition
Use synonyms
 is a good thing.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the result from teamwork is often better than
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 sum of individual
work
Use synonyms
which
Verb problem
that is done
show examples
work
Use synonyms
 separately.
For instance
Linking Words
, when individuals share knowledge and
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
, an innovative solution would appear.
This
Linking Words
 is a task that many
people
Use synonyms
 can do
but
Punctuation problem
, but
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 a person can not do.
Linking Words
Thus
Punctuation problem
Thus,
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 it becomes apparent that
competition
Use synonyms
 between other
people
Use synonyms
 is not better than doing
work
Use synonyms
 together. To
summarize
Change the spelling
summarise
show examples
, the two sides of the argument concerning the prospect of
competition
Use synonyms
 and cooperation have strong support.
However
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, after thorough analysis of both sides,
it is clear that
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 the idea of working individually cannot be supported. It is
therefore
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 predicted that the drawbacks of doing tasks by ourselves will be greater than the positive effects,
such
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 as in a business environment, and because of
this
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 should cooperate more.

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task response
You answer the task by giving both sides and your view. Try to make a stronger, clearer main idea in each paragraph.
coherence
Structure is clear but each paragraph should have one main idea and one example. Use a short intro, body, then a short conclusion.
coherence
Link ideas with simple words like and, but, also, so to help flow.
language
Use only common words. Some long or hard word choice makes the text hard to read.
content
Add more specific and realistic examples to back up each main point.
structure
The essay shows a two-side view and a clear stance.
content
The essay uses some examples to show points.
language
There is a closing line that restates the view.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • innovation
  • productivity
  • excel
  • outperform
  • advancements
  • academic standards
  • work ethic
  • stress
  • anxiety
  • unhealthy rivalries
  • harmonious
  • supportive
  • collaborative learning
  • social skills
  • communication skills
  • sense of community
  • collective goals
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