IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Advertisement of snacks and toys have a great impact on children and their parents so,the advetismets to children should be banned.do you agree or disagree?

There is no denying the fact that commercials are affecting
children
Use synonyms
's behaviour, which is having a significant impact on the relationship between
children
Use synonyms
 and their
parents
Use synonyms
. In my opinion, I firmly agree with the statement, as it reflects an essential truth about the media's influence on young people. In the following paragraphs, I will outline the reasons behind my opinion and provide relevant examples to support it.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, advertising should not be directed at
children
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
;
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for
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 reason, any type of commercials that are targeted
young
Change preposition
at young
show examples
 people need to be banned.
Moreover
Linking Words
, every
Use synonyms
parents
Fix the agreement mistake
parent
show examples
want
Correct subject-verb agreement
wants
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 to
fulfill
Change the spelling
fulfil
show examples
 their
children
Use synonyms
's wishes and
do
Correct subject-verb agreement
does
show examples
 not want to disappoint them, but sometimes
parents
Use synonyms
 do not have the financial stability, because of
that
Punctuation problem
that,
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 they might feel overwhelmed and frustrated in case they cannot afford these products.
For example
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 want to get trendy toys or new video games,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 are usually very expensive.
In addition
Linking Words
, most
snacks
Fix the agreement mistake
snack
show examples
 advertisements are not healthy and contain high amounts of sugar, which leads to health problems and obesity. Another point to consider, advertisements are not realistic, promoting unhealthy habits that can negatively
affects
Correct subject-verb agreement
affect
show examples
 their physical structure. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 some people may have different views, I believe banning advertising can make a real difference in
parents
Use synonyms
' lives and society.
For
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 reason, it should be taken into consideration and supported whenever possible."

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grammar
Fix grammar and small errors. Use short, simple sentences; this helps clarity.
structure
Make a clear topic sentence in each paragraph and then add one or two ideas to support it.
content
Add more strong examples to back your main points, or explain ideas with facts.
argument
Include one brief counter idea and then say why your view is still right.
content
The writer shows a clear agree stance.
cohesion
There is a good use of linking words to join ideas.
structure
The text is in a plain form and easy to read.
structure
Introduction and conclusion are present and show task.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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