IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many countries, children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

In different countries, it is thought by some that young
people
Use synonyms
 should not
work
Use synonyms
 for any paid jobs,
while
Linking Words
 others think that
Correct pronoun usage
it allow
show examples
allow
Correct subject-verb agreement
allows
show examples
 them to get beneficial
experience
Use synonyms
. I believe that
although
Linking Words
 the early
work
Use synonyms
 makes them appreciate
money
Use synonyms
, the completion of
education
Use synonyms
 is more important. Many
people
Use synonyms
 think that
children
Use synonyms
 who have jobs get a lot of good
experience
Use synonyms
 and results in
make
Wrong verb form
making
show examples
 them more appreciated
toword
Correct your spelling
towards
 their incomes. A large number of
children
Use synonyms
 take
money
Use synonyms
 from their parents and spend it very quickly and carelessly. But if they
work
Use synonyms
 and get salaries, that
money
Use synonyms
 will be valuable
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 they will become responsible.
For example
Linking Words
, in developing countries, the working
children
Use synonyms
 have a strong sense of
money
Use synonyms
 appreciation, because they
work
Use synonyms
 hard to get it.
However
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 essay believes that learning must be the most crucial thing for young
people
Use synonyms
. Other
people
Use synonyms
 think that youth have to focus only on
education
Use synonyms
. When they learn at school, they will gain a huge amount of
experience
Use synonyms
 and knowledge,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 will open
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them a lot of good opportunities in the future and
get
Verb problem
lead
show examples
 well paid jobs.
For example
Linking Words
, in Sudan, many of the
children
Use synonyms
 who did not concentrate on their
education
Use synonyms
 and started working early, lost the chance of
education
Use synonyms
 and all the good opportunities that they could have it if they had finished their
education
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, I believe that
although
Linking Words
 youth can gain valuable
experience
Use synonyms
 from working and develop a sense of
money
Use synonyms
 appreciation, the most beneficial thing is finishing their schooling.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

language
Fix big word errors. Use clear and short sentences. Check verbs and plural forms.
coherence
Link ideas with 'and', 'but', 'also' to show flow.
content
Give one clear example for each view. Use simple facts or common acts.
structure
Make the intro and last line more clear. State your view in one line.
position
The writer shows a clear view that school comes first.
structure
The essay has two sides and a view is given.
evidence
Examples try to show real life not just idea.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Child labour
  • Paid work
  • Human rights
  • Ethical standards
  • Long-term educational prospects
  • Personal development
  • Dangerous working conditions
  • Emotional well-being
  • Systemic exploitation
  • Life skills
  • Time management
  • Financial support
  • Work-life balance
  • Real-world exposure
  • Cultural context
  • Traditional norm
  • Rite of passage
  • Psychological harm
  • Vulnerability
  • Employers
What to do next:
Look at other essays: