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Writing Samples
Band 7

the chart below shows what percentage of people living in Avustralia visited certain cultural or leisure facilities in their free time in 2010.

The bar graph displays the percentages of visits to four different locations by individuals from various backgrounds during their leisure time in 2010.
Overall
Linking Words
, the
cinema
Use synonyms
 recorded the highest
visitation
Use synonyms
rate
Use synonyms
 among the four locations. The zoo and the library exhibited similar percentages,
while
Linking Words
 the
theatre
Use synonyms
 consistently had the lowest
visitation
Use synonyms
 rates across all groups. Among individuals born in Australia, the
theatre
Use synonyms
 was the least preferred leisure destination, with only 20% visiting.
In contrast
Linking Words
, the
cinema
Use synonyms
 was the most popular location, attracting 70% of Australian-born visitors. For another, the zoo and the library have nearly the same
visitation
Use synonyms
rate
Use synonyms
, just around 40%.
This
Linking Words
cinema
Use synonyms
's popularity
rate
Use synonyms
 is approximately 65% for the English-speaking migrant. After the
cinema
Use synonyms
, spending time with animals is the most popular activity among English-speaking migrants, with 50%
while
Linking Words
 the lowest
rate
Use synonyms
 is for the
theatre
Use synonyms
. The library has the highest
visitation
Use synonyms
rate
Use synonyms
 among migrants born abroad, around 55%. And
cinema
Use synonyms
 follows the
theatre
Use synonyms
 with 50%,
while
Linking Words
 the
theatre
Use synonyms
 is an unpopular choice for them at 10%.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words cinema, visitation, rate, theatre with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
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