IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Are sports essential in school life for children .Some people believe that sport is an essential part of school life for children, while others feel it should be purely optional. Discuss these opposing views and give your own opinion. You should give reasons for your answer, and include ideas and examples from your own knowledge and experience.

For the student curriculum has become a contentious issue in people's lives. It is widely argued by some people that
games
Use synonyms
 are important in
school
Use synonyms
 life for kids.
While
Linking Words
 others contend that it is not that important for
students
Use synonyms
, it depends on their opinion. I strongly agree with the former perspective because it offers physical activities and a healthy
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
life style
Use the right word
lifestyle
show examples
.
This
Linking Words
 essay will elucidate both views before reaching a conclusion. On the one hand, in
this
Linking Words
 modern era, parents who are busy with their hectic
life styles
Use the right word
lifestyles
show examples
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
do not spend
time
Use synonyms
 with their
children
Use synonyms
.
That is
Linking Words
 why
children
Use synonyms
 spend more
time
Use synonyms
 on online platforms rather than doing physical activities,
then
Linking Words
 they effected
obsity
Correct your spelling
obesity
 or many more diseases.
As a result
Linking Words
, in their leisure
time
Use synonyms
, they do not have
time
Use synonyms
 to exercise. So, the
school
Use synonyms
 has a good option for where
students
Use synonyms
 can play
games
Use synonyms
 and get healthy.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, when
children
Use synonyms
 participate in
games
Use synonyms
, it can be more expensive. Sometimes parents cannot afford it.
For instance
Linking Words
, my friend's daughter participates in every game, but she is quite weak in
sports
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
,
also
Linking Words
that
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 environment
Rephrase
also impact
show examples
impact
Correct subject-verb agreement
impacts
show examples
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
her health
as well
Rephrase
apply
show examples
. When she looked over the peers who were playing a good game, she felt overwhelmed and anxious.
Therefore
Linking Words
, the
school
Use synonyms
 needs to maintain a balance between studies and
sports
Use synonyms
. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 studies have
playing
Wrong verb form
played
show examples
Correct article usage
an improtant
show examples
improtant
Correct your spelling
important
 role in
students
Use synonyms
' lives, it does
Rephrase
not necessarly
show examples
necessarly
Correct your spelling
necessarily
Use synonyms
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 motivate their
children
Use synonyms
engaged
Verb problem
to engage
show examples
other
Change preposition
in other
show examples
 physical activities as well. I agree with my perspective
Use synonyms
school
Correct word choice
that school
show examples
 gives free education for
sports
Use synonyms
 to the
students
Use synonyms
 should
particiapte
Correct your spelling
participate
 in
sports
Use synonyms
 with their study environment.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task
Balance the view. State both sides clearly and give a strong view at the end.
coherence
Use linking words to show order. Start with a plan in the intro and end with a clear opinion.
language
Fix grammar and spell. Use simple, correct sentences. Check subject-verb and noun form.
structure
The essay has an intro that states the plan.
content
There is an effort to discuss both sides.
closure
Conclusion states the writer's view.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: