IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that governments should have access to people’s mobile phone call records and messages for safety reasons. Others believe that this information is private and should not be available without permission. Discuss both these views and give your opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

The
amount
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number
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 of
people
Use synonyms
 using mobile
Use synonyms
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 has significantly increased in the
last
Linking Words
 decade. Looking back, the main purpose of
development
Correct article usage
the development
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 of
Use synonyms
phone
Correct article usage
the phone
show examples
 to become portable was to connect
people
Use synonyms
 more easily through virtual communication. Nowadays, the growth of its
utilization
Change the spelling
utilisation
show examples
 is followed by risks of unwise purposes,
such
Linking Words
 as
frauds
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fraud
show examples
 and scams. Some
people
Use synonyms
highly
Rephrase
strongly
show examples
 believe that governments should have
access
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 to
people
Use synonyms
’s mobile
phone
Use synonyms
 call records and messages for safety reasons.
This
Linking Words
 regulation might be useful to mitigate and track those unwise users. It
also
Linking Words
 may influence
people
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 to use
mobile
Correct pronoun usage
their mobile
show examples
Use synonyms
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 more wisely,
due to
Linking Words
 the sense of being "watched" by the government.
However
Linking Words
, its implementation needs careful consideration.
Firstly
Linking Words
, it needs strict and direct written regulation
when
Change preposition
on when
show examples
 to
access
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 the
Use synonyms
informations
Correct your spelling
information
. Make sure there are no
loop-holes
Use the right word
loopholes
show examples
 that can be a "boomerang" for both the users and governments.
Secondly
Linking Words
, the monitoring of the data security system
need
Correct subject-verb agreement
needs
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 to be planned thoroughly
,
Punctuation problem
;
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 if not, there is a high risk of hackers
to
Wrong verb form
accessing
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access
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 and
shared
Wrong verb form
sharing
show examples
 all of those personal
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informations
Correct your spelling
information
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, some
people
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highly
Rephrase
strongly
show examples
 refused the idea
of
Change preposition
that
show examples
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 can
access
Use synonyms
 those personal
Use synonyms
informations
Correct your spelling
information
. Considering it is
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
highly private
Use synonyms
informations
Correct your spelling
information
,
therefore
Linking Words
 no other parties should
access
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 it. If
such
Linking Words
 unwanted things
happenned
Correct your spelling
happened
, the
authorithies
Correct your spelling
authorities
 should require
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
consent to
access
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 the
phone
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 of the included person.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, there are risks of
increasing
Correct article usage
an increasing
show examples
 number of frauds and scams among
civils
Use the right word
civilians
show examples
. In conclusion, there are many different views
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
this
Linking Words
 context, and each has
it
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
owns
Replace the word
own
show examples
 pros and cons. Which decision that will be concluded in the future, should be made through careful planning and research of the advantages and the disadvantages from both
point
Fix the agreement mistake
points
show examples
 of
views
Fix the agreement mistake
view
show examples
 (governments and
Correct article usage
the publics
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publics
Fix the agreement mistake
public
show examples
).

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organization
There is an introduction and a conclusion.
coherence
You use linking words like 'On the other hand' and 'However'.
content
You discuss both sides.
organization
You show order with 'Firstly' and 'Secondly'.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • access
  • privacy
  • communication data
  • public safety
  • terrorist activities
  • serious crimes
  • monitoring
  • tracked
  • unauthorized access
  • fundamental human right
  • abuse of power
  • infringement
  • trust in governmental institutions
  • surveillance capabilities
  • government power
  • overreach
  • strict regulations
  • accountability measures
  • individual rights
  • potential misuse
  • swift interventions
What to do next:
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