There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work.

In today's
present
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world, students experience a lot of pressure to do well in school.
Therefore
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, non-academic subjects, like physical education and cookery, can worsen the situation. It is agreed that these areas of study should not be taught.
As a result
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, if non-important studies are removed, young people will have more time to focus on the important ones.
Hence
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, their grades will improve,
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as
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well
as
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stress levels will reduce.
Firstly
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, studies like physical education are hard to learn,
thus
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a kid with no athletic ability can't score a high grade.
For instance
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, if the subject is volleyball,
it is clear that
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individuals who practise
this
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sport will more likely succeed, rather than ones who don't. Sadly, it is impossible to learn a new sport at a professional level in less than a month.
As a result
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, it is unlikely for non-players to reach a high grade.
Secondly
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, there are many things that can be relaxing to one kid but frustrating to another.
For example
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, if a youth enjoys cooking, it should be relaxing for them. Unfortunately,
this
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is not the case for everyone, since there are many individuals who panic when they are in a new environment-kitchen.
Therefore
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, if all the young people are different, they should not be asked to do something that they don't feel comfortable with. To summarise, a kid does not need to reach unreasonable standards that are set by people who are good in
this
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particular field, as we are all different.
Hence
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,
it is clear that
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non-academic lessons can do more harm than good. After analysis of
this
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subject, it is agreed that nonformal lectures should be optional for each individual.

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task
Your view is clear, but the essay is not balanced. Add a brief counter-idea and then explain why your view is still strong.
coherence
Organize each paragraph around one main point. Use a simple topic sentence at the start of each paragraph and a short conclusion that links back to your overall view.
language
Watch small grammar and form errors. Put subjects and verbs together, avoid long carries like 'In today's present world'. Use plain words and short forms.
content
Clear overall view and straightforward argument
organization
Good use of sequencing words like Firstly and Secondly
Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
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