IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that the government is responsible for the rise in childhood obesity. Other people think that childhood obesity is the fault of the parents. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

Some people believe
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 it is a responsibility of the
government
Use synonyms
 to
mitigating
Wrong verb form
mitigate
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 and
counter measuring
Use the right word
countermeasure
show examples
 childhood
obesity
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 others think
parents
Use synonyms
 are responsible for their
offsprings'
Check wording
offspring's
show examples
obesity
Use synonyms
. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will discuss both viewpoints and give my personal opinions. On the one hand, the
government
Use synonyms
 has a pivotal role
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
controling
Correct your spelling
controlling
Use synonyms
children
Check wording
children's
show examples
developments
Fix the agreement mistake
development
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, especially the
obesity
Use synonyms
 issue. They have several healthcare regulations to
preventing
Wrong verb form
prevent
show examples
this
Linking Words
 phenomenon, and
also
Linking Words
promoting
Wrong verb form
promote
show examples
 healthy lifestyles for
children
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
,
Ministry
Correct article usage
the Ministry
show examples
 of Health in Indonesia
launch
Wrong verb form
launched
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 a regulation about
Use synonyms
children
Check wording
children's
show examples
nutritions
Fix the agreement mistake
nutrition
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, the regulation
encougare
Correct your spelling
encourages
children
Use synonyms
 to consume healthy meals.
In addition
Linking Words
, if some kids have
a
Correct article usage
an
show examples
obesity
Use synonyms
 problem, the local
government
Use synonyms
 will take immediate steps to give them special treatments
to
Change preposition
at
show examples
some
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 nearest
healtcare
Correct your spelling
healthcare
 facilities.
This
Linking Words
 is a form of
Use synonyms
government's
Correct article usage
the government's
show examples
 duty to take care
their
Change preposition
of their
show examples
youth
Use the right word
young
show examples
 people.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
parents
Use synonyms
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 an important role
to develop
Change preposition
in developing
show examples
 their
offspings
Correct your spelling
offspring
 physically and mentally. Mostly,
children
Use synonyms
 spend their time at home
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 and under their
parent roles
Fix the agreement mistake
parents ' care
show examples
.
Parents
Use synonyms
 should not
neglects
Correct subject-verb agreement
neglect
show examples
 their
children
Use synonyms
 in
term
Fix the agreement mistake
terms
show examples
 of food, because it will lead to several harmful events.
For example
Linking Words
, a hustle
parents
Use synonyms
 usually feed their
offsprings
Fix the agreement mistake
offspring
show examples
 some junk foods, and they are not encouraging their
children
Use synonyms
 to build a healthy habit,
such
Linking Words
 as doing
some
Fix the agreement mistake
apply
show examples
sports or exercises.
In
Change preposition
As
show examples
result
Correct article usage
a result
show examples
, their kids will
experiencing
Wrong verb form
experience
show examples
obesity
Use synonyms
,
and
Correct word choice
which
show examples
 will lead to particular health
disseases
Correct your spelling
diseases
.
Parents
Use synonyms
 should encourage and control their habits to build
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good physical health in order to reduce negative effects from
obesity
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, the
government
Use synonyms
 has
a
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 obligation to mitigate and reduce the
obesity
Use synonyms
 issue,
while
Linking Words
parents
Use synonyms
 should become an important agent to promote a healthy lifestyle to their
offsprings
Fix the agreement mistake
offspring
show examples
.

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grammar
Fix many grammar mistakes and use small, simple words.
coherence
Use a clear topic sentence in each paragraph and link ideas with simple words like and, but, then.
content
Give one clear example for each point to back up ideas.
spelling
Check spelling and use correct plural forms.
content strength
The essay tries to discuss both views and give a view of the writer.
structure
The essay uses on the one hand and on the other hand.
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