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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people have decided to reduce the number of times they fly every year or to stop flying altogether. Do you think the environmental benefits of this development outweigh the disadvantages for individuals and businesses?

7.5 / 9
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Introduction
Everyday thousands of planes take off from all over the world with millions of passengers on board , flying from one destination to another. But, over the years, it started to strongly affect climate change.
However
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, a part of the population decided to stop flying or reduce the amount of time they travel a year.
This
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 essay will discuss the positive effects it could have on the environment,
as well as
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 the consequences for companies. I believe the benefits of
this
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 change outweigh the disadvantages it might cause for individuals and businesses.
Body paragraph 1
If people decide to reduce the number of times they make use of a plane, it might considerably decrease the number of gas emissions aircraft cause. Over the past century, global warming has been getting worse each year;
therefore
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, it shall not stop until the population takes alternatives to certain things.
For instance
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, a person who flies various times a year from one city to another in the same country, pollutes considerably. If one part of the population started using alternative means of transport, there would be a direct positive effect on the environment with less polluted air.
Body paragraph 2
Despite those benefits, it may create disadvantages for aeroplane companies. It could create an important deficit for many businesses that depend on international flights.
For example
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, a travel agency might lose many customers;
additionally
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, in some places, it might reduce the economy based on tourism activity
due to
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 the decreased number of tourists.
Moreover
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, for individuals who have family living abroad, it will be more complicated to visit them without making use of an aircraft.
Conclusion
To conclude
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, the reduction of the use of planes will drastically help our ecosystem and reduce global warming by using alternatives for national distance routes.
Consequently
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, there are
also
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 many negative points ,
such
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 as an economic downfall for many businesses. Still, I think the profits of
this
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 change definitely outweigh the disadvantages it might create.

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task response
You answer the main question clearly and give your view in the first and last parts. To make the answer stronger, explain more fully why less flying helps the world and why these gains are greater than the loss for jobs, travel firms, and families.
task response
Your main ideas are on topic, but some are too general. Add one clear fact or more exact case, such as how short home flights can be changed to train trips, while long trips may have no easy other way.
task response
Make the link between the two sides more direct. After the paragraph on business loss, state why clean air and less harm to the climate are still more important in the long run.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: start, good side, bad side, and end. Keep this plan, but make the first line of each body part show the main point more clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Words such as “However”, “Despite this”, and “As a result” can help show the change from one idea to the next. Do not use too many links in one long sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are long and hold more than one idea. Split them into two shorter sentences so the reader can follow your meaning more easily. For example, put the loss for travel firms in one sentence and the loss for tourist towns in the next.
coherence and cohesion
Keep key words the same where possible. You use “planes”, “aircraft”, and “aeroplane companies”. This is not wrong, but using “air travel” and “airlines” more often may make the text flow better.
task response
You give a clear view that the good effects for the world are more important than the bad effects for people and firms.
task response
You cover both sides of the topic: less gas from flights, and possible loss for travel firms, tourism, and families living in different countries.
coherence and cohesion
The order of ideas is easy to follow, and the end returns to your main view.
coherence and cohesion
Your examples, such as travel within one country and a travel agency losing customers, help the reader understand your points.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • reduce
  • benefits
  • environment
  • pollution
  • travel
  • businesses
  • individuals
  • challenges
  • meetings
  • connections
  • effort
  • manage
  • remotely
  • money
  • stress
  • local
  • culture
  • discovering
  • innovative
  • technology
  • ways
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