IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

The percentage of overweight children children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last decade. discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Increasing almost 20% for the
last
Linking Words
 years of overweight
children
Use synonyms
 in Western society results in many
children
Use synonyms
having
Verb problem
being
show examples
 sick and will be worse if no action from them to decrease the rates. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, several factors cause obesity, and some of their effects will be explained. Most of them are overweight because they don'
t
Use synonyms
 eat in the right proportions. They will take it a lot if they find food that suits them.
This
Linking Words
 habit will directly impact their weight and get worse if they don'
t
Use synonyms
 monitor their habit. Without any physical activities,
people
Use synonyms
 at work easily increase their body weight.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, most activities right now can be done by only using the computer. Sitting on the working seat, they can do all their tasks without any physical needs.
This
Linking Words
 practice can develop in lazier
people
Use synonyms
, where
people
Use synonyms
 are too lazy to do sports.
This
Linking Words
 habit will make it easier to be fat. There are a lot of negative effects from an overweight population, mainly for young
people
Use synonyms
.
First,
Linking Words
people
Use synonyms
 have more potential to get several health issues. Because the amount of fat in their body increases,
children
Use synonyms
 will be at risk of heart attack higher, which is one of the most deadly diseases in the world. Another effect is that
people
Use synonyms
 will become lazier at work, so they won'
t
Use synonyms
 clear their responsibilities. It is a scary thing because, in the future, nothing positive won'
t
Use synonyms
 happen, like no driving, because they will call by phone if they want to have a conversation. In conclusion, being overweight in
children
Use synonyms
 is caused by the food they eat isn'
t
Use synonyms
 the right amount, mostly too much, and the development of technology made all activities can be done by computer and the Internet. The main effect is that
risk
Correct article usage
the risk
show examples
 of health issues will increase significantly, and
people
Use synonyms
 become lazier than before.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Provide a clearer thesis statement in your introduction to outline the main points you will discuss in the essay.
coherence and cohesion
Use more varied sentence structures to enhance the flow of your writing and improve coherence.
task achievement
Include specific examples or studies to support your points about the causes and effects of obesity to strengthen your argument.
task achievement
The essay addresses the topic and identifies causes and effects, showing an understanding of the issue.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear structure with distinct paragraphs for the introduction, body, and conclusion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: