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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In this technological era, personal information is held on computers by many companies and organizations. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

In the digital age,the
storage
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 of personal
information
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 on
computers
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 by corporations and establishments has raised significant concerns about its
overall
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 impact.
While
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this
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 technology offers certain advantages,
such
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 as environmental conservation and enhanced business efficiency, its drawbacks, mainly the risks of
data
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 breaches and manipulation, are more pronounced, which will be explored in the following paragraphs. On the one hand, storing personal
information
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 on
computers
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 offers significant advantages, primarily in terms of space conservation and environmental
benefits
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. By using advanced digital
storage
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 systems, businesses and organisations can significantly reduce their reliance on paper, thereby minimising their environmental impact.
Additionally
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 ,
this
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 method enables rapid
data
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 processing and access to
information
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, which enhances business operations and customer services.
For instance
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, the banking system in Vietnam has long employed
this
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 digital
storage
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 approach, facilitating efficient transactions and customer interactions.
Overall
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,
this
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 type of
storage
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 not only
benefits
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 the environment but
also
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 supports the effective functioning of businesses and establishments.
While
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 the
benefits
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 of storing personal
information
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 on
computers
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,
such
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 as space conservation and environmental
benefits
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, are significant, the drawbacks are more pronounced.
This
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 method of
storage
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 poses risks like
data
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 breaches, which can lead to identity theft and fraud, particularly with the advancement of artificial intelligence.
Additionally
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, when companies and organisations collect and analyse large amounts of
data
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 stored on
computers
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, they can potentially manipulate consumer behaviour, influencing future choices.
For instance
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, social media platforms have already used stored
data
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 to tailor content to individual preferences, potentially reinforcing biases through limited exposure.These negative consequences underscore the need for careful consideration of the risks associated with
this
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storage
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 technology. In conclusion,
while
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 storing personal
data
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 on
computers
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 offers environmental and operational
benefits
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, its drawbacks, including identity theft and manipulation of individual behaviour, significantly outweigh its advantages.
Therefore
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, careful consideration is necessary for future adoption of
this
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 technology.

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content
Make your view clear in the first paragraph and keep it in the end.
content
Add more precise examples and numbers to back up your points.
language
Use linking words to show compare and contrast
language
Check grammar and reduce long sentences
structure
Stable structure with intro, body, and conclusion.
content
Good idea to discuss both sides.
content
Some good examples used to support points.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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