IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

You should spend about 40 mins. Many people think that mobile phones should be banned in public places such as libraries, shops and public transport. Do you agree or disagree?

The restriction on using
smart telephones
Use the right word
smartphones
show examples
 has become a subject of debate in recent years.
While
Linking Words
i
Fix capitalization
I
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 strongly sympathise with both sides of
argument
Correct article usage
the argument
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 and my arguments will be elaborated in the following paragraphs. To begin with fundamental and foremost reason for the importance of not using
phones
Use synonyms
 in public places is that it can disrupt someone. To be more specific, we know that people prefer libraries to read or study something,
due to
Linking Words
 avoiding noise.
That is
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 why
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 some
calling
Wrong verb form
people find calls
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 or vibrations from
phones
Use synonyms
 to be discomfort .
Secondly
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, sometimes the use of
phones
Use synonyms
 in public transport causes more accidents. To be
more clear
Correct word choice
clearer
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,if a bus driver talks on the telephone, it will cause him to lose his attention,
finally
Linking Words
 resulting in a traffic accident.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, despite the above-mentioned arguments, some people argue that
this
Linking Words
 decision is not fairly. Mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 can not be banned in public places.
Additionally
Linking Words
, in the current days, all of us depend on technology, mainly from
phones
Use synonyms
. The forbidding can affect our quality of daily performance, work activity,
also
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.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, it can cause
missing
Verb problem
the loss of
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 some emergency calls.
For instance
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, some accidents occur in our family , and they can not
get
Verb problem
have
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relationship
Correct article usage
a relationship
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 with us. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 some believe that it is not necessary to restrict using of it in society. I strongly support the idea of imposing a ban on using
phones
Use synonyms
due to
Linking Words
 some reasons,
such
Linking Words
 as our life safety and social reasons. If the government accept some rules on using it in public areas, it can be suitable for all.

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grammar
Fix wrong grammar and make each line clear. use simple, correct form.
structure
Make a clear plan in the intro. State your view in one line.
cohesion
Link ideas with simple words like 'also','but','so' to show how ideas go.
content
Add one or two good examples or facts to back up points.
content
The writer shows a clear view and sticks to it.
structure
Some good ideas are given about the harm of phones in public.
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