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Band 4.5

some people say that being older in this modern world is entirely bad, while others think that people's lives nowadays is much better than in the past. discuss both of view.. 8 bands writing sample

A group of community
think
Check wording
members think
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 that being elderly in
this
Linking Words
 fast-paced era is totally bad ;
however
Linking Words
, opponents believe that people living in today's world are much happier.
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 will discuss both the views with respective examples.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, advancement in technology is the main reason.
For example
Linking Words
, as we know, technology is growing day by day, so many features are going to be added
on
Change preposition
to
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, like
Correct pronoun usage
them, like
show examples
 in mobile phones, dishwashers and ovens.So,
this
Linking Words
 is difficult for elders to use those kinds of things without guidance , but nobody will be there to help them
due to
Linking Words
 busy lives. Everyone has a busy schedule .
Thus
Linking Words
, sometimes older people feel alone because they do not have anyone to talk
with
Change preposition
to
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. Sometimes they can get mentally depressed.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the health management system is really advanced in the world. People who are in the third stage of life may have better
haleness
Check wording
health
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 facilities. As we know elderly community suffer from various kinds of
hardihood
Check wording
health
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 issues , so in
this
Linking Words
 modern era , they can have their family doctor who gives them proper fitness treatment, by which
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
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 population can overcome their health-related problems.
For example
Linking Words
, one of my friends' grandmothers suffered from cancer , so they consulted with the surgeon , and by taking good
tratment
Correct your spelling
treatment
, she conquered that issue , and she is physically fit now.
To conclude
Linking Words
, no doubt older
society
Fix the agreement mistake
societies
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 face many difficulties in using technical gadgets , but the good thing is they have great well-being treatment nowadays as compared to the past. I think that
older
Correct article usage
the older
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 crowd can manage with the technology , but they cannot compromise with their energy.

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task
Make your view clear in one sentence at the start or end.
task
Give two or three strong ideas and explain each with a simple example.
coherence
Use easy words to show links between ideas and use small linking words.
structure
The essay has three clear parts: intro, body, and conclusion.
content
There is an example to back up one point.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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