IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

It must be a woman who stays at home to care for children. Men are not suited to this kind of work. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Some people believe that
females
Use synonyms
 should
care
Verb problem
take care
show examples
their
Change preposition
of their
show examples
families
Use synonyms
 and children because
men
Use synonyms
don't
Verb problem
aren't
show examples
be
Verb problem
apply
show examples
suppoed
Correct your spelling
supposed
 to do
this
Linking Words
. I disagree with
this
Linking Words
 statement and provide my reasons in
this
Linking Words
 essay. On the one hand,
women
Use synonyms
 are able to take
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
responsilibity
Correct your spelling
responsibility
 for working because we should remove stereotypes and gender inequality.
For instance
Linking Words
, the proportion of
undergraduation
Correct your spelling
undergraduates
 among
females
Use synonyms
 is higher than
Use synonyms
males
Change preposition
among males
show examples
. The working ability of
females
Use synonyms
 would not be inferior
Change preposition
to than
show examples
than
Correct word choice
that
show examples
Use synonyms
males
Change preposition
of males
show examples
.
In contrast
Linking Words
, the performance of
women
Use synonyms
 in some careers,
such
Linking Words
 as translation and healthcare,
outweights
Correct your spelling
outweighs
to
Change preposition
that of
show examples
males
Use synonyms
.
Nonetheless
Linking Words
, many
women
Use synonyms
 can achieve
management
Correct article usage
a management
show examples
 grade in
enterprise
Correct article usage
an enterprise
show examples
 or
Correct article usage
a highe
show examples
highe
Correct your spelling
high
 social status.
Moreover
Linking Words
, many developed countries advocate
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 gender equality and provide more opportunities to
women
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
women
Use synonyms
 can play a vital role in every career. On the
othe
Correct your spelling
other
 hand, many
men
Use synonyms
 are willing to care
their
Change preposition
for their
show examples
 own
families
Use synonyms
 and children
instead
Linking Words
 of working. To illustrate, many
males
Use synonyms
 are willing to cook for their
families
Use synonyms
 and children in Hong Kong.
Thus
Linking Words
, our thoughts should not be confined by sex and stereotypes. Meanwhile, the society is more
open-mind
Use the right word
open-minded
show examples
 and
acceptable
Replace the word
accepting
show examples
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
 diverse family styles. In the past,
men
Use synonyms
are
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
 regarded as the main financial sources of
families
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, many well-known companies tend to hire
females
Use synonyms
 owing to their personality and capabilities.
As a result
Linking Words
,
women
Use synonyms
Linking Words
also can
Correct word order
can also
show examples
 be responsible for offering financial support to
families
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, modern communities should discard outdated ideas and
unfair
Correct article usage
an unfair
show examples
 gender mindset. With the advanced society, more and more
females
Use synonyms
 acquire professional qualifications and outstanding working abilities.
Therefore
Linking Words
, they desire a better job opportunity rather than handling
houseworks
Correct your spelling
housework
 at home. At the same time, a considerable number of
men
Use synonyms
 are more likely to spend time and
efforts
Fix the agreement mistake
effort
show examples
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
Use synonyms
families
Correct pronoun usage
their families
show examples
.

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task response
State your view clearly in the opening line and keep it in every part of the essay. Then add strong, well supported ideas with clear examples.
coherence
Make each paragraph have one main idea and use linking words like 'also', 'but', 'for example' to show how ideas are related.
language
Use simple, common words and check grammar so the message stays clear.
content
You show a clear view that women can work and men can care for the family.
coherence
You try to use examples to back up ideas and some linking words to connect ideas.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Gender roles
  • Empathy
  • Nurturing
  • Emotional intelligence
  • Caregiving
  • Paternal leave
  • Equality
  • Stereotype
  • Societal norms
  • Dual-income families
  • Stay-at-home dads
  • Cultural evolution
  • Economic considerations
  • Skill sets
  • Traditional roles
What to do next:
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