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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

Children
Use synonyms
 spend a major portion of their time on
smartphones
Use synonyms
 because of easier accessibility to devices provided by their parents
who
Punctuation problem
, who
show examples
 want to distract their
children
Use synonyms
 from bothering them. It is
also
Linking Words
 true that the increased
usage
Use synonyms
 is
also
Linking Words
 because of the advancement in technology and their dependency on
them
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
 for learning, communicating and entertainment. The
overusage
Correct your spelling
overuse
 of
smartphones
Use synonyms
 has a very negative
impact
Use synonyms
 on
children
Use synonyms
’s mental and physical health , and it has
also
Linking Words
 affected their behaviour patterns.
Firstly
Linking Words
, the unregulated
usage
Use synonyms
 of
smartphones
Use synonyms
 has an adverse
impact
Use synonyms
 on their mental and physical health.
Children
Use synonyms
 prefer to spend their time indoors watching content on social media rather than
engage
Wrong verb form
engaging
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 in physical activities like sports.
This
Linking Words
 has made them more lethargic and has impacted their social interaction skills. It is
also
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 important to note that youngsters are now more distracted than ever before. Studies of brain scans between
children
Use synonyms
 using
smartphones
Use synonyms
 for a long time and adults consuming drugs
shows
Correct subject-verb agreement
show
show examples
 some similarity. The scans suggest that the
usage
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 of phones is rewiring the neurons in
children
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’s brains, impacting their cognitive and critical thinking.
Secondly
Linking Words
, sudden changes in behaviour are
also
Linking Words
 observed who excessively use phones. They are more aggressive and impatient.
Example
Change preposition
For example
show examples
: when their
smartphones
Use synonyms
 are taken away by parents, they throw tantrums and yell until they are given their device back.
Likewise
Linking Words
, their focus and attention span are
also
Linking Words
 deteriorating.
On the contrary
Linking Words
, we can
also
Linking Words
 argue that the advancement of technology has allowed easier accessibility
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 knowledge. It is now easier to connect, communicate and learn than
used
Correct pronoun usage
it used
show examples
 to be in past.
However
Linking Words
, with
this
Linking Words
 abundance of knowledge, it is
also
Linking Words
 hard to distinguish between misinformation that could easily misguide
children
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, I believe that the negative
impact
Use synonyms
 of phone
usage
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 far outweighs its positive
impact
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 as it alters
children
Use synonyms
’s behaviour and
also
Linking Words
 impacts their mental and physical health.

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task
Add more clear proof or examples to back what you say, and explain why these facts matter for the result.
lexical
Use only simple words closely in the top 100, and avoid long or hard words.
structure
Plan your essay. Have one idea per paragraph, and use a simple plan: intro, big points, counter idea, and a short conclusion.
content
Clear stance and conclusion
coherence
Good use of signpost words like First, Second, and On the other hand
structure
Right idea of a simple plan with intro, body, and conclusion
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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