IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

There are several factors that motivate people to stay in the workforce, and money is the most important reason/factor. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Motivation has a crucial role in continuous one route, and for staying in the workforce,
money
Use synonyms
 can motivate
workers
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.
This
Linking Words
 essay agrees that most people hold their jobs
due to
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 financial security and the desire to save
money
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 as the motivation factors.
However
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, it will
also
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 be argued that another
certain
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
factor
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,
such
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 as job
satisfaction
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, may encourage more than
money
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. Financial security is required by individuals to achieve their basic needs of life. Everyone has some fixed expenses for their lives, including housing, food, healthcare, and education. If a person wants to experience a progressive life, they should ensure these basic needs of life. Various
research
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studies
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has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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 worked on
this
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 issue
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 all of them have been confirmed
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
by people’s surveys. Achieving long-term goals is another reason behind turning
money
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 into a motivational
factor
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 for staying in the
workplace
Punctuation problem
workplace,
show examples
 since each purpose requires
money
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 either for exploring or purchasing.
For instance
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, some people like to have several trips abroad in order to know different cultures and traditions, and make
strong
Correct article usage
a strong
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 network for themselves.
Therefore
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, it is obvious that wealth is required for them.
However
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, in some situations, job
satisfaction
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 may be
been
Verb problem
apply
show examples
a more important motivating
factor
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 compared to
yield
Verb problem
earning
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money
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 for
workers
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. They
emphasize
Change the spelling
emphasise
show examples
 that working without
satisfaction
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 can decrease their performance day by day, which may pose a risk
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their career paths.
For example
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, the Iranian government has an important rule for avoiding inefficient
workers
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; if a person does not improve their ability during a year, the employer can immediately fire them.
Therefore
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, it cannot be ignored the importance of job
satisfaction
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. In conclusion, yielding
money
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due to
Linking Words
 requiring financial security and achieving long-term goals leads to an essential
factor
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to motivate
Change preposition
in motivating
show examples
workers
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 to remain at work.
While
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 making
money
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 is an important reason, career
fulfillment
Change the spelling
fulfilment
show examples
 can be another goal for staying put at work.

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clarity
State a clear position in the introduction and stay with it through the essay.
structure
Start each paragraph with a clear point that matches the idea in the paragraph.
cohesion
Use simple links to show how ideas fit and keep sentences short.
content
Give a few real examples and explain how they show your point.
grammar
Check word choice and grammar to avoid awkward phrases and mistakes.
content
You show both money and job satisfaction in your view.
structure
There is a steady flow from needs to goals to how work is fit in life.
content
Some examples are used to support ideas.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial security
  • basic needs
  • career advancement
  • pension
  • job satisfaction
  • sense of purpose
  • social connections
  • workplace relationships
  • intellectual stimulation
  • societal norms
  • earning potential
  • motivation
  • livelihood
  • financial independence
  • professional growth
What to do next:
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