IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Children today are told dependent on computer and electronic entertainment.It would be better to encourage them to spend more time outside playing sports and games. Do you agree or disagree.

With
technology
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 being an integral part of our daily
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life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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, youngsters are very reliant on electronic devices
as
Change preposition
for
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 entertainment. Many believe encouraging them to spend their precious
time
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 in the outside
world
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 to play sports and
games
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,
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apply
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 would have a finer outcome. I am of
a
Correct article usage
the
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 belief
,
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apply
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 that
children
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 can develop much more if they
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
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 more
time
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 outside, rather than always being involved with their electronic devices.
To begin
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 with, I want to state that
while
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technology
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 plays a vital role in our lives, it doesn't
neccesarily
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necessarily
 always
deliever
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deliver
 in a positive way. As an example,
although
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children
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 these days are well spoken
,
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apply
show examples
 and rich in knowledge about various subjects, it is rather difficult to hold a conversation with them
more
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for more
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 than a brief
time
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. That being said, kids are more intelligent in so many aspects, but very
much
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apply
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weak in social intelligence. To prove my point, I'm going to provide an example. My little niece is roughly six years old, and he used to enjoy playing computer
games
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 to
an
Correct article usage
some
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 extent
level
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apply
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. At
first,
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it was adorable seeing him learn those astonishing tricks of the game, but as it went by, it felt like he was gradually falling deep into
games
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 in a way that his
life
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 outside those fictional
games
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 didn't matter.
Additionally
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, after a period of
time
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, I noticed
when
Correct word choice
that when
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 speaking to him, he'd lose concentration and interest in a conversation pretty quickly. Naturally, I asked his parents to try
minimizing
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minimising
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 his online playtime, and as
time
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 went by, he started showing interest in sports. Playing soccer
,
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apply
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 resulted in him gaining more friends in real
life
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, and his social manners have developed to be much more relevant.
Moreover
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, to have
technology
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effect
Use the right word
affect
show examples
 our lives beneficially, is to use it mindfully with a touch of discipline. In today's
world
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, people prefer staying home on their mobile phones over hanging out with their loved ones. As much as it is understandable to a certain point, it can
severly
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severely
 damage the essence of
life
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, which is communication and social
engagment
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engagement
 with people. In my experience, being the
last
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 generation to have grown up without internet and modern
technology
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,
provides
Wrong verb form
has provided
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 my mindset on
life
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 to have more awareness about the
world
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.
In contrast
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, youngsters nowadays
,
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apply
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 only care
for
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about
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 the
life
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inside of
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on
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 the screen of their computers or phones. In conclusion,
besides
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 the many benefits
technology
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 brings to our
world
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, it is essential to control the amount of
time
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children
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 spend
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time
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apply
show examples
on it, and parents should feel responsible to promote other entertainments,
such
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 as sports
to
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, to
show examples
 their
children
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.

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content
Make your view clear in the first line. Say if you agree or disagree and keep this view in your essay.
structure
Use one or two clear ideas in each paragraph. Start each paragraph with a topic sentence and then add a short example.
language
Use simple language. Check small grammar errors and fix pronouns and spelling.
content
Good point: you argue for more outside time and give real examples.
development
Use of a personal story to show change in the child.
structure
Conclusion that restates the view.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • depend
  • computer
  • entertainment
  • encourage
  • spend
  • time
  • outside
  • playing
  • sports
  • games
  • agree
  • disagree
  • harmful
  • health
  • fit
  • socialize
  • friends
  • emotional
  • development
  • valuable
  • skills
  • teamwork
  • discipline
  • leadership
  • mood
  • reduce
  • feelings
  • stress
  • anxiety
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