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Writing Samples
Band 5

It is said that the amount of violence on the TV programs has negative effect on our social development and therefore should be reduced. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

It is argued by some that there
need
Correct subject-verb agreement
needs
show examples
 to be some
restrictions
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 on showing violent
scenes
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 on TV programs,
due to
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 their harmful effect on society's development. I completely agree with
this
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 view, as I believe these
scenes
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 can promote violence in a society, and there should be some regulations to protect citizens, including some minority groups and individuals who are at risk of mental disorders. One major reason behind
this
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 decision is to protect children from developing dangerous
behaviors
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behaviours
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.
While
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 there are already some age
restrictions
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 on violent
scenes
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, some parents are not responsible enough to follow these regulations, and many kids can easily watch unwanted violent crimes in a movie.
This
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 can be extremely damaging for them and
have
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has
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longterm
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long-term
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 negative
effect
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effects
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 on their mental state, developing psychological
disorder
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disorders
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 in many kids.
Therefore
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, I believe
such
Linking Words
restrictions
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 can reduce violence in a society in the long run, by protecting children who may
harm
Verb problem
be
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 greatly from these TV shows. Some people may argue that these
restrictions
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 may reduce artistic freedom and creativity. In fact, many outstanding movies throughout the history of cinema formed around serious crimes and dangerous individuals,
such
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 as "The
God Father
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Godfather
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" , or "Burning".
However
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,
In
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in
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 my
view
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view,
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 the advantages outweigh the disadvantages, especially in countries where the crime rates are already high. These countries need immediate
deterent
Correct your spelling
deterrent
 regulations, including banning violent
scenes
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 from their state media's productions.
Thus
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, regardless of downsides,
restrections
Correct your spelling
restrictions
 can be a vital part of social reform in many countries. In conclusion,
although
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restrictions
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 can place pressure on
film makers
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film-makers
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,
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apply
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 and restrict creativity, there are notable merits to reducing violations in TVs. The importance of protecting children
,
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apply
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 and
longterm
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long-term
show examples
 planning for eliminating psychological disorders is undeniable, and I believe these
restrictions
Use synonyms
 can significantly boost social development.

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Task Response
Improve task response by giving a clear, balanced view and avoid over-stating facts. Add more specific examples and link them to your points.
Coherence
Improve coherence by using clear topic sentences and linking ideas with connecting words. Check paragraph order for a logical flow.
Task Response
Clear stance is stated early and maintained throughout.
Coherence
There is a good overall structure: introduction, body, and conclusion.
Coherence
Use of transitions like 'However' and 'In conclusion' helps flow.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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