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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The diagram below gives information about the number of parcels delivered by two major mail services companies from 1920 to 2000.

The line graph illustrates data about the number of packages delivered by
FedEx
Use synonyms
 and
TNT
Use synonyms
 corporations between 1920 and 2000.
Overall
Linking Words
, the diagram shows that the
FedEx
Use synonyms
company
Use synonyms
 was a favourite
company
Use synonyms
 in the initial year, after that it dropped down in the ending period of time.
Whereas
Linking Words
 the
TNT
Use synonyms
 services are used by individuals with less preference,
subsequently
Linking Words
,
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 reached a peak level throughout the period. In 1920, the most popular service
company
Use synonyms
 was
FedEx
Use synonyms
, which delivered around 15000
parcels
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 service reached a peak in 1940, which represented nearly 24000
parcels
Use synonyms
 distributed.
In contrast
Linking Words
, the
TNT
Use synonyms
company
Use synonyms
 supplied just over 5000
parcels
Use synonyms
 in 1920.
Whereas
Linking Words
 it rose in 1960, which accounted for over 10000
parcels
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
,
FedEx
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's service decreased gradually in 1950
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
 they
delievered
Correct your spelling
delivered
estimated
Correct article usage
an estimated
show examples
 15,000
parcels
Use synonyms
. The
FedEx
Use synonyms
organistation
Correct your spelling
organisation
remain
Wrong verb form
remained
show examples
 steady from 1990 to 2000, which was approximately 17,000
parcels
Use synonyms
.
In addition
Linking Words
, the
TNT
Use synonyms
 enterprises surged from around 24,000
parcels
Use synonyms
 from 1980 to 1990.
Thereafter
Linking Words
, it climbed to 25,000
parcels
Use synonyms
 delivered in 2000.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "whereas".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words fedex, tnt, company, parcels with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "reached" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
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