IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say that industrial growth is necessary to solve poverty. But some other people argue that industrial growth is creating environmental problems and it should be stopped. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

The importance of industrial growth or its negative results has become a subject of debate in current days.
While
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 some
people
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 argue that it can overcome poverty
problems
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, others mention that it can cause environmental
problems
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, but I strongly believe that developing the industrial
sector
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 is more important for solving poverty. I would sympathise with both arguments
,
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apply
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 and give my opinion below.
To begin
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 with, the first and foremost reason for the importance of manufacturing development is that it can create more job opportunities in
this
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sector
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. To be
more clear
Correct word choice
clearer
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, increasing means that,
sector
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 was enlarged and new buildings were constructed.
As a result
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 of it, more workers were in need.
Additionally
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, a lot of
people
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 , who without any work, can easily get a new job and access money.
Secondly
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, developing causes to raise the income of
government
Correct article usage
the government
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.
According to
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this
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 reason, the state spends more funding on
people
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's quality of well-being. To illustrate, increasing wages of employers, building new schools, and providing the health
sector
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 with high-quality tools.
As a result
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 of it, it can overcome financial
problems
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,
such
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 as poverty. Despite above mentioned arguments,some of them believe that
,
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apply
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 progress may create some social challenges. To illustrate, focusing on only some areas
,
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apply
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 can result in the demolition of other sectors.
For example
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,
government
Correct article usage
the government
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 only paid attention to developing industry-related places
,
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;
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moreover
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, other industries can not progress and make activity at
this
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 time.
Secondly
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,
this
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 can
also
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 affect to environment and damage ecosystems. One clear illustration is that
,
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apply
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 gas emissions and deforestation are the main
problems
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, which have become a more global problem in the world. In conclusion, despite both arguments playing a vital role, I strongly favour
increasing
Wrong verb form
an increase
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 in some sectors as a significant phenomenon for the government and
people
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.
In addition
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, it is
also
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 important
that
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to
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,
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apply
show examples
 pay attention to the negative aspects of it and try to solve them.

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task
Plan your answer. Say your view in the first part and add two clear points for each side. End with your final view.
structure
Make a clear plan for each paragraph. Start with a topic sentence and keep ideas in order.
cohesion
Use simple links to show how ideas fit. Use words like first, also, but, therefore, however.
content
The essay tries to cover both sides and give an opinion.
structure
There is a start and end, with a view in the end.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • industrial growth
  • poverty
  • income opportunities
  • technological advancements
  • productivity
  • income inequality
  • wealthy individuals
  • corporations
  • environmental impacts
  • impoverished communities
  • sustainable development
  • inclusive development
  • alleviation
  • measures
  • accompany
  • concerns
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