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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that parents should teach their children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the best place to learn this. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

There is an ongoing debate regarding who is responsible for teaching students to become better citizens.
While
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 some folks argue that the family is
primary
Replace the word
primarily
show examples
 accountable, others claim that it is the school
who
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 should promote good
values
Use synonyms
. In my opinion, I believe that it's a shared responsibility from both perspectives to support
children
Use synonyms
 to become
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good
citizen
Fix the agreement mistake
citizens
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.
This
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 essay will discuss both views and my opinion in detail with relevant examples. On the one hand, some people believe that educational institutions should inculcate best practices in order to influence
children
Use synonyms
 to become better members of society.
This
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 is because schools are often considered to be the best place to teach moral
values
Use synonyms
 for students
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such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as kindness, sharing and helping each other
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along
Punctuation problem
, along
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 with academic education.
As a result
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,
such
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 learning promotes
children
Use synonyms
 to follow these
values
Use synonyms
 significantly in their daily lives to become successful citizens .
Moreover
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, learning
along with
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 peers motivates
children
Use synonyms
 to easily adopt these norms as they have an opportunity to develop when they socialise with other kids.
For example
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, I was informed by my teacher that being kind to anyone is one of the basic human components that everyone should adhere to, which motivates me to stay that way till
toda
Correct your spelling
today
On the other hand
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, it is often considered that parents are accountable for their
kids
Check wording
children
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, making them valuable societal members. They hold the primary responsibility, because a strong family culture teaches offspring not only about the moral
values
Use synonyms
 but
also
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 enhances their
overall
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 behaviour pattern.
In addition
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,
children
Use synonyms
 are more exposed to their family environment as they spend ample time since childhood, and their actions are often reflections of what they learn from their relatives. Despite mentors educating on
values
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, if a child comes from a broken family still
possesses
Correct subject-verb agreement
possess
show examples
 behavioural problems.
For instance
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, the majority of student counsellors reported that 60% of bad behaviour issues among
children
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 are caused
due to
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 unstable family situations, and it has a direct impact on students' mental health. In conclusion,
although
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 there are different opinions
in
Change preposition
on
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 turning a child to be a valuable member of society, in my
opinion
Punctuation problem
opinion,
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 I believe that it requires a balanced approach from both parents and teachers to educate offspring on important
values
Use synonyms
 to become good members of society.

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task
In the intro, state a clear view and keep it in the end. The plan should show that both sides are looked at, then give your view.
grammar
Fix the unfinished sentence 'toda' and any other grammar errors. Use proper periods and end sentences.
structure
Make main ideas easy to see in each body paragraph with a topic sentence. Keep each idea in one place.
coherence
Link ideas with simple words like 'and', 'but', 'also', 'for example' to move smoothly from one idea to another.
examples
Give stronger examples. Short, clear facts help your point. Avoid long guesses unless you show a source.
lexical
Keep words simple and easy. Some big words can be hard for the reader.
task
Make the conclusion restate your view and say what you think about the topic.
grammar
Check spelling and punctuation, and keep the style consistent (American or British).
content
Clear view that both parents and school can play a role.
structure
Essay has a plan with intro, two body parts and a conclusion.
coherence
Use of sign posts like 'On the one hand' and 'On the other hand' helps the flow.
content
The writer tries to give examples to back points.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • good members of society
  • teach
  • parents
  • schools
  • responsibility
  • values
  • respect
  • empathy
  • responsibility
  • formal education
  • citizenship
  • ethics
  • social responsibility
  • lead by example
  • role models
  • conducive environment
  • extracurricular activities
  • community involvement
  • collaborate
  • holistic approach
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