IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that good health is a basic human need and the medical service should not be run by profit-making companies. Do disadvantages outweigh advantages? Give your opinion.

Some believe that profit-seeking companies should not run the medical service as it is a fundamental human need.
This
Linking Words
 essay argues that despite the abundant
fundings
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funding
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 of the profit-making
organizations
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organisations
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 which ensure the
health
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services
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availability
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apply
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, the downside is far more damaging, especially in terms of equality of
healthcare
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 access. On the
on
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one
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 hand,
healthcare
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services
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 scarcity has been a serious problem in society
due to
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lack
Correct article usage
a lack
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 of funding and resources.
Consequently
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,
due to
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 gaining significant profit from the
healthcare
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services
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 that they offer,
pharmaceutical
Correct article usage
the pharmaceutical
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 business
ensure
Correct subject-verb agreement
ensures
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 the security of its
services
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 to supply the high demand. During
COVID-19
Correct article usage
the COVID-19
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 outbreak in 2020,
Indonesian
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the Indonesian
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 government were struggling to
fulfill
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fulfil
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 the free mandatory vaccination for the whole nation.
As a result
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, the authorities suggested
the
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that
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middle-higher
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middle
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income
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and higher-income
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 citizens
to
Verb problem
apply
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get vaccinated from the third-party company. Despite its
expensive
Correct word choice
high
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 price, people chose to seek
health
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services
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 from
profit-making
Correct article usage
a profit-making
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 pharmaceutical company because of scarcity and the urgency to be vaccinated immediately.
However
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, the disadvantage is very damaging
for
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to
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 society. As
pharmaceutical
Correct article usage
the pharmaceutical
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 business expands and starts to
monopolize
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monopolise
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Use synonyms
health
Correct article usage
the health
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 industry, equal access to
healthcare
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 is harder to maintain.
Moreover
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, the capitalistic industries will gatekeep
a
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apply
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proper
health
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 treatment for people with buying power and neglect people with
lower
Correct article usage
a lower
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 income bracket.
Furthermore
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,
this
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 situation threatens the nation's public
health
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situation
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apply
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due to
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 the
health
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 disparity between the rich and the poor. Ultimately, the government should reinforce a policy for pharma
company
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companies
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 to have a certain upper limit price for their service to ensure the equality of
health
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
services
Fix the agreement mistake
service
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 utility. In conclusion,
although
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profit-making
Correct article usage
the profit-making
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health
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 industry helps with
scarcity
Correct article usage
the scarcity
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 problems of
healthcare
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services
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, its negative
effect
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effects
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is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 far more damaging.
The capitalism and
Correct word order
Capitalism and the
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 monopoly of profit-based companies induce
the
Correct article usage
apply
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inequality
of
Change preposition
in
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healthcare
Use synonyms
 treatment
throughout
Change preposition
across
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 different income
level
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levels
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.

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task response
Answer the question directly in the first part and keep your view clear throughout the essay.
language
Use simple, common words and short phrases so the flow is easy and the meaning is clear.
coherence
Make a clear topic sentence for each paragraph and keep one main idea with one example in each.
language
Fix grammar and case errors, for example 'the government was' not 'the government were'.
content
Add more real and clear examples that fit your point and link them to your idea.
content
You make a clear view that money in health can make unfair care.
structure
You try to add a real world example to back your point.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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