IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that the best way to reduce crime is to give longer prison sentences. Others, however, believe there are better alternative ways of reducing crime. Discuss both views and give your opinion. Dung

There's an ongoing debate regarding the severity of
punishments
Use synonyms
 for offenders.
While
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 some
people
Use synonyms
 argue that long prison sentences
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 the effective way to punish, others claim that we can reduce
crime
Use synonyms
 by alternative ways,
such
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 as rehabilitation or community work. In my opinion, I agree with the latter view as it gives more opportunity for prisoners to reform their lives.
This
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 essay will discuss both views and my opinion in detail with relevant examples. On the one hand, many
people
Use synonyms
 believe that prolonged jail sentences are the best punishment.
This
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 is because
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 offenders should be kept behind bars to ensure the safety and security of citizens.
In addition
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,
such
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punishments
Use synonyms
deter
Verb problem
serve
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 as a
threat
Check wording
deterrent
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 and prevent others from
involving
Wrong verb form
getting involved
show examples
 in
Use synonyms
crime related
Use the right word
crime-related
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 activities.
For example
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, in China, the government has enforced a law, even for minor crimes like robbery
that
Punctuation problem
, that
show examples
 criminals should serve at least 10 years behind bars. After enforcing
this
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 rule, the minor
crime
Use synonyms
 rates are significantly reduced by 60%.
However
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, it is important to remember that criminals often make friends with other offenders during their stay, and take revenge or re-offend when they are released.
On the other hand
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,
people
Use synonyms
 claim that we should consider alternative ways to reduce
crime
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.
For instance
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, rehabilitation gives an opportunity for prisoners to learn and develop their skills, which will be useful to find jobs when they are released.
As a result
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, it prevents them from taking revenge or
Verb problem
getting involve
show examples
involve
Wrong verb form
involved
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 in criminal activities as they would have a proper job to earn
stable
Correct article usage
a stable
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 income like others.
Furthermore
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,
such
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option
Correct article usage
an option
show examples
 would make them feel connected to
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society rather than feeling isolated.  As an example, in
china
Fix capitalization
China
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, a successful entrepreneur confessed
while
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 he gave an interview
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 that he was a burglar once, and the vocational training in prison motivated him to start a business on his own. In conclusion,
although
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people
Use synonyms
 have different opinions on
punishments
Use synonyms
 and
its
Fix the agreement mistake
their
show examples
 severity, I believe that
people
Use synonyms
 should give an opportunity by considering the alternative ways of
punishments
Use synonyms
 to reduce
crime
Use synonyms
 rates, which
does
Verb problem
apply
show examples
not only
prevent
Correct subject-verb agreement
prevents
show examples
 them from re-offending, but
also
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help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
 them to socialise with society.

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structure
Plan your essay with one clear idea for each paragraph. Open with a short plan in the intro so you show the map of your answer.
coherence
For each view, give one strong reason and back it with a close example. Links between ideas should be clear.
grammar
Check grammar and use simple, correct sentences. Use capital letters for country names and nouns.
content
The essay shows both sides and states an opinion.
structure
Two clear opposing ideas are used.
coherence
Linking phrases like 'On the one hand' and 'On the other hand' are used.
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