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Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people believe they longer prison sentences is the best punishment, others believe in alternative ways. Discuss both sides and give your opinion

There's an ongoing debate regarding the severity of
punishments
Use synonyms
 for offenders.
While
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 some
people
Use synonyms
 argue that long prison sentences are
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 effective way to punish, others claim that we can reduce
crime
Use synonyms
 by alternative ways,
such
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 as rehabilitation or community work. In my opinion, I agree with the latter view as it gives more opportunity for prisoners to reform their lives.
This
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 essay will discuss both views and my opinion in detail with relevant examples. On the one hand, many
people
Use synonyms
 believe that prolonged jail sentences are the best punishment.
This
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 is because
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 offenders should be kept behind bars to ensure the safety and security of citizens.
In addition
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,
such
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punishments
Use synonyms
 serve as a deterrent and prevent others from getting involved in
crime
Use synonyms
-related activities.
For example
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, in China, the government has enforced a law, even for minor crimes like robbery , that criminals should serve at least 10 years behind bars. After enforcing
this
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 rule, the minor
crime
Use synonyms
 rates are significantly reduced by 60%.
However
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, it is important to remember that criminals often make friends with other offenders during their stay, and take revenge or re-offend when they are released.
On the other hand
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,
people
Use synonyms
 claim that we should consider alternative ways to reduce
crime
Use synonyms
.
For instance
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, rehabilitation gives an opportunity for prisoners to learn and develop their skills, which will be useful to find jobs when they are released.
As a result
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, it prevents them from taking revenge or
involved
Verb problem
being involved
show examples
 in criminal activities as they would have a proper job to earn a stable income like others.
Furthermore
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,
such
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 an option would make them feel connected to society rather than feeling isolated. As an example, in China, a successful entrepreneur confessed
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while
Punctuation problem
, while
show examples
 he gave an interview, that he was a burglar once, and the vocational training in prison motivated him to start a business on his own. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
people
Use synonyms
 have different opinions on
punishments
Use synonyms
 and their severity, I believe that
people
Use synonyms
 should give an opportunity by considering the alternative ways of
punishments
Use synonyms
 to reduce
crime
Use synonyms
 rates, which not only prevents them from re-offending, but
also
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 helps them to socialise with society.

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task response
Explain both sides more with clear reasons and add one clear example for each side.
coherence
Work on linking ideas with simple linking words; use order words like first, also, however, and finally.
language
Check grammar and phrasing. Watch mistakes with articles, prepositions, and punctuation.
structure
End with a short restate of view and a short summary of main points.
content
The essay shows a clear view and uses it in the conclusion.
content
It includes examples to back up points, and discusses both sides.
structure
The structure is easy to follow: intro, two body parts, and a conclusion.
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