IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

There is no doubt that these days, children using phones and iPads for long hours is one of the most important issues , especially in the current era. The question is, why do they use it a lot , and what are the problems and the solutions for
this
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 issue? In
this
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 essay, I am going to discuss why the problems outweigh the benefits. In terms of problems, there are a lot of
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
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who
Correct pronoun usage
that
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handling
Wrong verb form
handle
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 phones , and they suffer from isolation from reality. The main reasons given to support
this
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 claim are that kids use it without the care of their parents,
also
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 they don't carry out motor activities. To illustrate, the child sits all day on his iPad , and no one cares about him. The constant habit of staying at home and not wanting to do any activities outside with the rest of the kids.
In other words
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, the result of
this
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 habit is that they will tend to be isolated.
However
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,
firstly
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, the parents of the children who are using smartphones can replace their phones and iPad with useful things.
In other words
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, they can help them learning new skills or do some activities with them.
Secondly
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, take the child outdoors and play football with kids and try to do a little work like cleaning his room and helping his mother.
Also
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, they just need to learn how to use smartphones
by
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apply
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useful
Replace the word
usefully
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. In conclusion, it is evident that
,
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apply
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 these days , the child who uses technology, which is not useful for them, and
also
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 the solutions are within the reach of parents , but they must pay attention to them. I strongly agree with the idea that learning children about useful things
instead
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 of using smartphones must ensure steps are taken to prevent
this
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 phenomenon from deteriorating their future.

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structure
Plan your essay with a clear start, middle, and end.
cohesion
Use simple link words to connect ideas, like also, but, and for example.
grammar
Keep to 1 main idea per paragraph and check your grammar.
content
Give more real facts or examples to back up ideas.
task
Stick to the task question and show a clear view on whether it is good or bad.
content
The topic is clear and your view is stated.
content
Some good ideas on why kids use phones and how to fix.
language
Simple words are used well for easy reading.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
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