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Writing Samples
Band 4

ome people believe that famous celebrities are poor role models for teenagers, while others think they can be a source of inspiration. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of celebrities as role models for young people.

Nowadays
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Nowadays,
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teenagers
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 use social
media
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 almost every single day. On social
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media
Add a comma
media,
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 they see a lot of
celebrities
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 who are
role
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models
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 for young
people
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. They often impact
teenagers
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’ mindset, ideas, personality
or
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, or
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 inspire them. So let’s look at the advantages and disadvantages of
celebrities
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 being
role
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models
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 for
teenagers
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.
Firstly
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, one of the main advantages is that
celebrities
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 can inspire young
people
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. A lot of
teenagers
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 are sad and depressed.
Role
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models
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 can inspire and motivate them to start trying
achieving
Wrong verb form
to achieve
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 their dreams and
reaching
Wrong verb form
reach
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 success.
For example
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, a celebrity
posts
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 a video that helps
teenagers
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 heal from depression and understand how to achieve something in life.
Secondly
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, another important advantage is
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role
Correct word choice
that role
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models
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helping
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help
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teenagers
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 overcome difficulties and obstacles.
Teenagers
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 face a lot of obstacles
and
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, and
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celebrities
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 who are grown now
,
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apply
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 went through those obstacles and can help teens to face them.
For instance
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, a
role
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 model
posts
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 a video where he talks about what mistakes he
had done
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made
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 in his teen years so other teens watching won’t repeat them.
However
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, there are some disadvantages. One of the main disadvantages of
role
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models
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 impacting young
people
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 is that they can make
teenagers
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 do bad things.
Teenagers
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' minds aren't fully developed
so
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, so
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 they often don’t think of the consequences of their actions.
For instance
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, a famous person
posts
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 on social
media
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 to hate some person and just because he said
so
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so,
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teenagers
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 will hate that person without their own reason.
Furthermore
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, the other really bad disadvantage is that following
celebrities
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 can cause phone addiction. Most
celebrities
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 post on social
media
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and
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, and
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 for
teenagers
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 to see their favourite
celebrity
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celebrity,
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 they have to go on social
media
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which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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. To illustrate, the celebrity
posts
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long form
Use the right word
long-form
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 videos on YouTube and for a teenager to watch that video
he
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, he
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 has to sit for an hour on his device
which
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, which
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 becomes an addiction.
To conclude
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, famous
celebrities
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 can help
teenagers
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 overcome their problems like depression and choosing a path in life, but
on the other
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hand
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hand,
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 they can manipulate young
people
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 into doing bad things.
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Also
Add a comma
Also,
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celebrities
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 posting on social
media
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 increases
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teenagers
Check wording
teenagers'
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 screen time. In my opinion,
teenagers
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 should have some
role
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models
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, but shouldn’t be blindly obsessed with them and their ideas

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structure
Plan your answer. Start with a short view in the first sentence and add two clear reasons for and against.
content
Give real, clear examples for each point and say how it helps teens.
grammar
Fix grammar and use correct punctuation. Break long sentences and clean verb forms.
vocabulary
Use simple, exact words. Use common words and short phrases. Use connectors like also, but, then.
structure
Clear three-part layout: intro, body, conclusion.
cohesion
Uses linking words to connect ideas.
content
Balances both sides and adds personal view.
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