IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many modern children spend a great deal of time sitting in front of a television or computer screen. This is extremely harmful to their development. Therefore, parent should strictly limit the time that children spend in this way. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays, many
children
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 spend the majority of their
time
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 watching
television
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 or staring at computer screens, which can hinder their growth and
development
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.
Consequently
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, there is a growing opinion that parents should limit their
children
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's
screen
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time
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. Personally, I agree with
this
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 perspective, as it encourages
children
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 to engage in other activities that are beneficial to their
development
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.
To begin
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 with, excessive
time
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 spent on
television
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 or computers takes away from
children
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's opportunities to study or interact with their peers in the real world.
This
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 lack of interaction can inhibit their intellectual growth and imagination. A study published by The Jakarta Post
last
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 year revealed that, on average,
children
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 spend around five hours a day on these activities during their leisure
time
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.
Additionally
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, research by Kak Seto indicates that playtime is essential for brain
development
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 and imagination,
such
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 as when
children
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 engage in reading or writing simple essays.
Moreover
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, excessive
screen
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time
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 can lead to negative
behavioral
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behavioural
show examples
 changes.
For instance
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,
children
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 may become more aggressive or use rude language in social situations. A study by Republica in 2017 demonstrated that
children
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 who watch more
television
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 or play video games are at a higher risk for eye problems
due to
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 prolonged
screen
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 exposure.
Furthermore
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, another concerning consequence of excessive
screen
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time
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 is brain 'rot,' which can impair a child's cognitive functions necessary for basic activities.
This
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 includes their critical thinking skills, focus
while
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 studying, and ability to make appropriate decisions in various situations. In conclusion, I firmly believe that parents should limit their
children
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's
screen
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time
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. Excessive viewing of
television
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 or playing video games can be detrimental to their brain
development
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, lead to aggressive
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
, and ultimately result in cognitive decline that hinders their concentration during learning.

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Task response
Keep your view clear from start to end. Say you agree and give two or three strong reasons.
Task response
Explain each reason well. Give one good example for each point. Do not use many weak or fake facts.
Task response
Avoid unproved claims. You can talk in general about harm and say some common views instead.
Coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with clear words. Use words like first, then, also, but, finally.
Coherence and cohesion
Group ideas in order. Each paragraph has one main idea and a link to the next.
Language use
Check your spelling and grammar. Do not use hard words too soon.
Task response
Clear siding with the issue, shows stance from the start.
Coherence and cohesion
Good paragraphing with topic lines and connector words.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • development
  • health
  • obesity
  • eyesight
  • social skills
  • interactions
  • distractions
  • homework
  • studying
  • outdoor play
  • hobbies
  • creativity
  • balance
  • boundaries
  • parents
What to do next:
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