IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think women should be given equal chance to work and excel in their careers. Other believe that a woman’s role should be limited to taking care of the house and children. Which opinion do you agree with and why? Include specific details and examples to support your choice.

Many believe that the main role of females is to take care of their homes. Others believe that they should be given an equal chance in the market as well. In my personal view, I strongly
assist
Verb problem
support
show examples
 the second point of view. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will explain why it is extremely important to allow more
women
Use synonyms
 to be part of the workforce.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, creating more career opportunities for
women
Use synonyms
 allows them to be financially secure.
This
Linking Words
 is important because financial security allows them to make better marital choices, which are now taken
due to
Linking Words
 several factors, and money is not part of them.
This
Linking Words
 financial freedom makes the future family more stable.
For example
Linking Words
, 70 years ago,
women
Use synonyms
 in the Middle East used to get married because the father could not financially support his daughter's needs, so he would be substituted by the husband, who is willing to aid his wife financially. The sad part is that the woman has no choice in
this
Linking Words
 matter. Unlike the case today, where
women
Use synonyms
 can make their own marital choice not because they are in need, but because of the high values of the man, which eventually leads to stronger families.
Moreover
Linking Words
, including more
women
Use synonyms
 in the market has a great impact on the economy.
This
Linking Words
 is
due to
Linking Words
 the fact that more people will be able to pay taxes, which will lead to economic growth.
For instance
Linking Words
, the USA has one of the strongest economies in the world, which is a direct consequence of the increased number of
women
Use synonyms
 in the workforce.
Also
Linking Words
, allowing more
female
Check wording
women
show examples
 to work increases the quality level of the work.
This
Linking Words
 is because there will be a healthy competition between workers, which has a positive impact on the quality of the services. In conclusion, I highly support the idea that
women
Use synonyms
 should be given an equal chance to work and excel in their careers,
due to
Linking Words
 its great impact on the economy and family.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

planning
Plan what you want to say. Before you write, make a short plan with 3 main ideas.
grammar
Fix word use. For example, 'assist' should be 'support'.
coherence
Make the links clear. Use words like First, Also, For example, In addition to move ideas well.
vocabulary
Keep words simple. Use 'women' as the noun and seek clear phrases.
structure
Add more clear reasons and explain how each example supports the point.
strength
The essay shows a clear view in favour of equal work rights.
strength
It uses two examples from real life.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: